12/26/2004

Never Cool Enough...Or At All

My friend Amanda Davis, who died almost two years ago in the world's stupidest plane crash, was the most exciting, warm-hearted, delightfully bitchy person I know. When she was killed, there was a massive outpouring of agony and love. People from all over the country, most of them writers, posted letters about her, about how amazing she was, how funny, how quirky, how she was their best friend.

One of the things I loved most about Amanda was the ribbon of insecurity that ran through her personality -- so similar to my own. She was always suspicious that there was a party out there that she wasn't invited to. When she died and became the party, with people actually mourning the fact that they hadn't come to know her well enough to write one of those painful, funny, longing posts, it was a beautiful irony. The geeky girl makes good. Well, except for the going down in a ball of fire part.

I thought of Amanda today, when I read the Sunday Styles section of the Times. That part of the paper exists to make me feel out of it, and at the same time to make me feel disgusted with myself for wanted be part of it. I mean, why in God's name would anyone want to spend Christmas in St. Bart's with a load of Manhattan social Xrays? Can you imagine the conversation? "Oh, I'd only ever allow Svetlana to do my Brazilians. She's just so much more interesting than any of the other women who've made their livings yanking pubic hairs from around my anus. And I hear she does Paris Hilton, too." Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they spend their beach hours discussing Vladimir Nabokov's lectures on Russian literature and arguing about his analysis of Gogol's Dead Souls.

And let's not even discuss the wedding announcements.

In today's paper there's a piece about the National Arts Club, and the Boho Hip crowd hanging at the Accompanied Library. I'm reading about the gatherings to fete LFL, Jhumpa Lahiri and Waris (Chelsea art gallery, Pulitzer Prize-winning short story writer, and "actor/jeweler" who appears in Wes Anderson's new movie. And don't worry, I had no idea who the first and third in the list were, either) and I'm feeling this intense sense of "why am I so uncool?" It's the same feeling I got when Dierdre Brown and Ginny Scott told me I couldn't sit at their lunch table anymore, because I was such a loser that I was ruining their precarious reputations. That, by the way, was in 7th Grade. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday, so sue me.

The thing is, if I actually were invited to one of those events, or to Dierdre and Ginny's lunch table, for that matter, I'd probably end up at such a loss that I'd spend the whole time trolling for the perfect hors d'oeuvre. I suck at parties, and what in God's name would I talk to a 26 year-old socially adept socialite about? Literature? Kids? Um. Probably not. In situations like that -- cocktail parties -- I somehow always end up turning the conversation to obscure medical conditions. You and I may have nothing in common, but your recent gynecological surgery is bound to make me perk up my ears. When Michael and I are doing our party-post-mortem he says things like, "He was the youngest conductor in the Boston Symphony's history" and I say things like, "By the time they took it out of her, it was the size of a canteloupe!"

I really suck at parties.

Every once in a while someone fabulous tries to make Michael's acquaintance. Usually it's a fascinating gay man, some hot young playwright or grafitti artist. They swoop us into their social orbit for a few days or months. I get all excited. Now! Now I will finally be cool. It never lasts for long. Because at some point they realize that this long-haired dude is not only straight,but he's married not to someone like Sofia Coppola, but to me.

305 Comments:

Blogger MB said...

Oh, the irony. See, when we were thinking about moving to the Bay Area a few years back (first for me, spouse is 5th gen Californian, UCBerk alum to boot), Allison was sure I'd want to hang with you, seeing same college, number of kids, at least one mercury/lead poisoned, love for Arts&Crafts period homes (our's is a 1913 Foursquare), yadda, yadda. I thought too, how cool would that be, and when the possiblity of such a move started to appear again a few weeks back, I was sure she was right.

Then the insecurity began. Ayelet wouldn't want to hang out with me - she's too cool, she writes fun, quirky mysteries (btw, Eric spent yesterday reading my Christmas present, The Big Nap), goes to parties where famous musicians just happen to be the main event, and even consistently gets more comments on her brand new blog than I get on my two-year old one. She's cool, and I'm... well, I'm just such a geek.

See, it's just a endless totem pole - there are generally as many people who think you are the cool one as those you think are cool.

December 26, 2004 at 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I was just thinking like MB. If Ayelet's a geek, what does that make those of us to whom Ayelet is our "cool" friend?

December 26, 2004 at 12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, I was just thinking like MB. If Ayelet's a geek, what does that make those of us to whom Ayelet is our "cool" friend?

December 26, 2004 at 12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops, that was me. I'm such a loser I don't even know how to comment.

Allison

December 26, 2004 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

MB, could you PULEEZE call? Seriously. I have zero social life, and you'd be a welcome addition to it. (Um, didn't come out right.)

December 26, 2004 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

Have you seen Veiled Conceit yet? It's a blog that critiques/makes eviscerating fun of the NY Times Style section weddings. Also, you might want to check out Chayyei Sarah's posts on what makes people cool.

FWIW, I think you're cool.

:)

December 26, 2004 at 3:11 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

And cool seems as though it takes so much *effort*. Who has time for that? The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be celebrity, because then you can't even run out for just 5 minutes, looking like hell in your sweats, to the grocery store to pick up cold medicine. Hell on earth.

December 26, 2004 at 4:15 PM  
Blogger MB said...

At this point, Ayelet, a move back to the Bay Area is still way up in the air, dependent mostly on my spouse's luck in landing one of those almost extinct high-tech positions - you know, the few which haven't been sent overseas.

Personally, I'd love to move to Berkeley, at least for a few years. I'm still ABD, but could probably weasel a transfer of my dissertation to the anthro department if I promised a child or two in future slave lab labor. But housing is so expensive, and I'd hate to buy on a bubble (we're just getting out before I suspect the southern Maine bubble bursts.) So we'd be relegated back to the life of renters. Sigh.

I really want to buy this gorgeous B&B in the western Maine mountains and open a retreat for families with autistic children, but all my friends and acquaintances think I'm nuts (and no one's throwing funding money my way). So I guess it's either moving close to a Maine university with a strong special ed department (large pool of potential workers for the boys) and living an even more obscure life, or give up the dream of Maine Speaker of the House and follow my spouse in the nomadic life of a New Economy tech worker, perhaps to California, perhaps to DC. If it comes to that, I do hope it's the former location, if it means being close to a kindred soul and bad mother.

December 27, 2004 at 6:09 AM  
Blogger Manolo said...

Manolo says, the Ayelet she can always sit at the lunch table of the Manolo!

Muchos Besos!

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December 27, 2004 at 6:52 PM  
Blogger Harry said...

Wow. I was going to post something but I can't bring myself to comment right after the legendary Manolo. It just wouldn't feel right.

December 28, 2004 at 7:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was devastated when i heard about amanda davis last year, and for a few days could not stop reading her memorial posts on mcsweeney's. now, i'm younger than she was, and some years behind most of her badass writer friends on the mfa/residency/publishing circuit, but what do you think was going through my mind as i read about how awesome and adored she was by all and sundry writers i admire? why, that they are the cool crowd and i am a big fat loser, of course. bizarrely universal, that. and i even had my wedding announcement in the times! with picture, no less! forgive me.

December 28, 2004 at 12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hearing you talk about amanda reminds me of losing my best friend of 27 years (and honey, I ain't that old!) back in '97. She, too, was dearly loved by all who knew her, although she wasn't an important writer or anything. Just a really good person. I was never as cool as she just naturally was, and never will be. Me velma, her daphne.

I got to meet amanda once, I'd read her short stories and when I heard she was at mills I asked if she would consider looking at some of my stuff to see if I should apply to an MFA program or not. I never thought I was a remotely good writer, but she said she liked my stuff and my view on the world. Even though I can't bring myself to write (I am not as condfident as you seem to be in everything), it was still nice to hear that someone I admired liked some of my work.

k

December 29, 2004 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Hey K -- It's not confidence. It's a complicated form of self-loathing. Amanda wouldn't have lied. If she said that about your work, you should believe it.

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