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Following a link on my friend Allison's blog, I came across this delightful blog. Wow, are those people bitter, or what? This particular post was my favorite:

I had an experience that I will remember for the rest of my life yesterday. I am an ultrasound student and an currently doing a rotation at NYU Hospital. Yesterday we were ordered to do a gallbladder scan on a woman in labor. We went up to her room and the first thing I see is her hairy twat sticking out of the covers with a catheter coming out of it-GROSS. She was in the early stages of labor and her stomach looked like there were like 7 fleshloaves in there. She mentioned that she was having identical twins-whoop-de-fucking-doo, like I give a shit, lady. While we scanned her, she was crying and screaming for God to help her and squirming all over the fucking place. It was very traumatic for me to watch. I couldn't wait to get out of there! As soon as we left, I said to my instructor Denise-who is CF herself, (yay!)"Why the fuck would anyone want to do that to themselves??!!! She should've used one of these" and pulled out a condom-like device used to cover ultrasound probes which are inserted into the vagina and put it over three of my fingers. She cracked up laughing and said "Really!!" I want my tubal NOW!!

-CF Julie


I'm just speechless. Can you imagine this "ultrasound student" caring for anyone? Especially a pregnant woman? What exactly did she think she would be doing as an ultrasound technician? The very idea of this person being a health-care provider of any kind gives me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.

I keep thinking back to what happened when I was pregnant a couple of years ago. On the day I went for my CVS (genetic diagnostic test) I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant. The technician began the ultrasound, and then her face got very still.
"How far along are you?" she asked.
"Ten and a half weeks," I said.
"Hmm."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm going to go get the doctor."
And you can imagine what I did next. Two years or so before, Michael and I ended a pregnancy due to a genetic abnormality, and I was convinced it was happening again. What our baby had was not something heritable, so I lay in the bed crying and raging at what felt like miserable luck. When the doctor came in he told us, gently, that the baby was only sizing at 9 weeks. I insisted that that wasn't possible. I knew the date of my last menstrual period, and moreover, we had had an ultrasound more than two weeks before that had showed an 8.5-week-old fetus. That, apparently, was the problem. No growth between the two ultrasounds. Or very little growth. I browbeat the doctor into telling me what he suspected -- trisomy 18 or 13, the really ugly ones. Fatal. Horrible. I browbeat him into giving me a number. How sure was he? 99%.
We scheduled another ultrasound for a week later, and an abortion for the day after that with the same doctor who had cared for us two years before (a prince among men who should be deified). And then we went home to cry.

It was like reliving a nightmare, but at least this time I couldn't feel the baby kick.

It was Rosh HaShana a few days later. I'm not a religious person, but after I married Michael I started accompanying him to High Holiday services. We go now to this lovely congregation called Chochmat HaLev. Very alternative, lots of singing, etc. We were holding hands, crying in shul, when I suddenly felt the most amazing thing. I felt warm, confident, sure. I knew the baby was fine. I whispered to Michael, "The baby is okay." He gave me a pitying glance and squeezed my hand. "Honey," he said, "Don't do this to yourself. We need to accept what’s happening." I shook my head, and smiled one of those scary, beatific smiles that the Jehovah's Witnesses always give you when you turn them away from your door. "No," I said. "I know the baby is okay. I know."

For the rest of the day we had this conversation again and again. And let me make something really clear. I am the pessimist in this relationship. I'm the one who knows for sure that everything sucks, that everything will continue to suck, and that we just need to deal with the horror, the horror. Michael is the optimist. He's always singing a happy song, counting his blessings, tra la la. Finally, at the end of the day, he looked at me and said, "Well, if the eternal pessimist finally has an optimistic moment, she should be trusted." Then he went on the web and input the words "delayed ovulation" and jetlag. You see, we'd traveled home from Italy that month. Low and behold, he got thousands of hits.

I called the woman who had done the first ultrasound, the lovely and warmhearted nurse practitioner at my doctor's office. I asked if that first test could have sized the baby too big. If it was possible that when I'd gone to see her I was only 7 weeks pregnant, instead of 8.5. "Sure," she said. "That machine is often off. I usually don't even use it to measure, but since it agreed with the date of your last menstrual period, I figured it was probably right."

"Okay, " I said. "Is this scenario just too unlikely? Maybe I ovulated late because I had jetlag, and then your machine sized me too big? So the baby is fine, he's just younger than we all thought?"
"Anything is possible," she said.

For the next few days I was content. Happy. When we went back to the genetic diagnostician, they greeted us with the special sad faces they reserve for people whose babies are doomed, but we just smiled. I was all chirpy and sweet, laughing even. The ultrasound tech said, "Don't even take off your clothes, just get up on this table right now so we can see what's going on with this baby."

Perfect growth. And we found out a week later, that he had perfect genes to go with that perfect growth. That was Abraham. He's got a weak chin, and one eyebrow, but as far as I know they didn't test for that. He’s adorable, and sharp as a tack, and just the most perfect child ever. In my unbiased opinion.

If the ultrasound technician had been that Julie, I can only imagine how her cold and miserable demeanor would have made me feel. But I had a warm and lovely woman, instead. Thank God.

300 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

that ultrasound person should be-- well, look, i can't even type what i'm thinking, i'm so anti- that particular brand of ugliness. but suffice it to say: FU-UCK her. meanwhile, a bit too emphatic on the "big hairy twat" and "bring on my tubal" bullshit. do i detect a note of self-loathing? just a smidge? someone's not so okay with their womanhood, you think? jesus, that pisses me off. ARGH. (i'm reminded of a tori amos lyric: "i believe in peace, BITCH.")

December 22, 2004 at 5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This bitter blogger posts right after the one you quote:

"I have an extremely rare form of uterine Cancer" so there is at least one motivation for her anti-baby ranting. The source of her antipathy is so transparent, I can't grasp how she's convincing herself she believes what she writes...

December 22, 2004 at 6:11 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Oh Lord. Was it the same woman. Then the 'big hairy, etc.' is so sad. So incredibly incredibly sad.

December 22, 2004 at 10:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I fell off your blogroll. I think you put a second "Chez Miscarriage" on top of me...

If you read some of the rants by "childfree" women, there's an undercurrent of feeling wounded and/or screwed over by men -- some probably had parents with awful divorces or bad marriages. A very twisted feminism.

There's a running theme of "these men fool you into breeding for them and ruining your body and then abandon you for a fresh young woman and you're stuck with the brats. I'm not gonna fall into their trap."

Ugly and disturbing, but it is all very interesting given the question that Ayelet and a lot of us are obsessed with: Is motherhood a form of empowerment or disempowerment?

Allison

December 22, 2004 at 11:35 PM  
Blogger marrije said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the nightmare you went through when Abraham was so tiny, Ayelet.

Thank God for warm and lovely medical people indeed. The doctor in training who helped me at the hospital when I was miscarrying was such a sweetheart, I almost felt like comforting him in stead of the other way around. Except that I was too busy bleeding all over the place, I guess. But he was kind and gentle and talked to me (not just to my boyfriend) and explained everything he did, which was super.

December 23, 2004 at 4:30 AM  
Blogger stephanie said...

Someone that bitter should not be in that position. Do those people realize that if no one had kids there would be no future? Or that those kids they so disparage will one day be paying the taxes that will support their butts? When those child free folk are in a nursing home cause they can no longer take care of themselves, it'll be the kids born today that feed and bathe them. And if you don't want kids, you should be doubly grateful to those who decide to take on the necessary job of having them-cause we need to keep people around, those people have "taken one for the team" so to speak. So thanks Ayelet, and all those other moms out there-for taking one for the team. I may decide to have or not to have children one day- but it seems to me your actions are the ones that make it a matter of my choice, and not a necessity for our survival.

December 23, 2004 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger lisoosh said...

Allison - isn't it a little bit of both. Motherhood is the ultimate surrender, physically, mentally and emotionally and yet at the same time we take on the ultimate responsibility.
Ayelet - so sorry for what you had to go through with the first abortion and with the scare you had with your youngest. It is a beautiful post though and your love for your kids shines through.

Lisa

December 23, 2004 at 8:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so often we know what's happening inside us -- women's intuition amped up by pregnancy, perhaps...pregnant with my first child, I felt great, knew all was fine. Pregnant with my second, due a week after my 35th birthday and having agonized before deciding not to do amnio (did nuchal fold sonogram plus bloodwork instead, didn't want to take the risks, having miscarried before)...but with my middle child, I KNEW something was wrong. I shared it with my midwife who took me seriously but reminded me I'd been having every test possible and that, since everything on them looked fine, we'd just have to wait and see. Sure enough, my middle one, Aliza, had a stroke around the time of her birth. Now she's pretty much fine, thank God. And with my third one, I thought maybe I'd be extra-anxious, but once again I "knew" everything was fine and indeed it was....-Debra

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

The personal development industry has never been bigger! It consists of a myriad of authors basically telling us how to improve our lives. We are constantly being told self help and self improvement has never been easier. New techniques, gadgets and potions adorn the shelves of new age shops and the 1 billion dollar industry, that is personal development, offers many different approaches to help better our lives. They offer ways to increase our bounty and ultimately alter our own reality. A great example of this is how to develop a Prosperity Consciousness. But does this state really exist and if it does will it bring the effortless unlimited wealth promised?
A lot has been written about prosperity and how to attain it. We have been told by many religious traditions and every personal development guru that the Universersal Source (God, Spirit, Cosmic Mind or whatever label you chose to give it) is boundless wealth. We are also told that abundance, wealth and prosperity are our birthright! Why then are so many people ill, broke, frustrated and unfulfilled? Can a person really develop a prosperity consciousness and effortlessly attract wealth? Well as with everything in life there is only one way to find out. Test it for yourself!
Before we can attain and then test the effectiveness of having a prosperity consciousness we need to understand some basic truths. Let's start by explaining three fundamentals of personal development namely; 1. The Universal Source is all wealth, abundance and prosperity; 2. Prosperity is our birthright; 3. You get more of what you focus on.
1. Why are we told that the Universal Source is unlimited wealth? - Because the Universal Source is the consciousness of the Universe - a universe that is still expanding. It is the driving force behind physical reality. It created everything you see, hear, touch and smell as well as all that we are unaware of (microwaves, radiation, air etc.). It has been stated in religious and metaphysical traditions that this intelligence is not only the Source of everything but that it is also the substance of it! It creates the Universe from itself! It is omnipresent (everywhere present). That means that the entire seen and unseen aspects of the universe are a part of this Universal Source. Science reaffirms this theory as it states that nothing is solid and everything is just one mass of pure energy that vibrates at different frequencies and gives the illusion of separateness.
So we can now claim that the Universal Source is unlimited wealth, abundance and prosperity with some belief. For if this Source is the very substance of everything then it is all the wealth, abundance and prosperity that exists at this very moment!
Ok so far? Now lets look at the second point - prosperity is our birthright.
2. If this Universal Intelligence is the source and substance of all things then there can be only one intelligence in the Universe. Jesus said to his disciples "know ye not that you are the temple of the living God?" Buddha attained enlightenment and "oneness". The list of these religious teachings are too numerous to mention but their message remains the same - God (Universal Substance) resides within and around us. It's very substance makes up our physical body and the world around us - "For in him we live, move and have our being" Acts17:28. Therefore, if this Universal Source is at the very core of our being and is the substance from which we take physical form then it stands to reason that we are connected to everyone else and in fact everything else around us - we are a part of all the wealth, abundance and prosperity of the universe. Just as your hand or foot is a part of your body, so every grain of sand, blade of grass, wisp of wind, bar of gold and brick that is laid in a mansion is part of you. The unlimited wealth of the universe is yours for the claiming. It is already yours, always has been and always will be. It is a part of you.
Ok let's go the third point - you get more of what you focus on.
3. "It never rains but it pours", is a saying I have used myself in the past. Have you ever wondered why such a statement appears to be true? Well metaphysics and religion tell us that "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" or as Job cried out to God "For that which I greatly feared has come upon me". What we focus our conscious attention on increases! Don't believe me? Test it for yourself! If you can muster up the strength to do it then think in negative terms for a week. Judge everything that happens to you in negative terms and think only of a negative outcome and watch what happens in your world!!! This is a relatively easy experiment as we are conditioned to think negatively by the world. A word of warning though - once you prove that your focus determines your reality stop thinking negative thoughts as best you can.
I will not go into the 'hows' of why our focus has such a profound influence on our lives (that would be the subject of a book or perhaps a future article) just prove to yourself that it does. A clue can be found in the teachings of Jesus when he said "The Kingdom of heaven is within".
So now we have the three principles of the prosperity consciousness explained let's put it to work. The attainment of a prosperity consciousness is relatively simple - just think on the first two principles until you fully understand them and integrate them into your consciousness. As you focus on them you will discover that your feelings of lack disappear and you begin to feel a connection with everything around you. It is really just an attitude shift - nothing metaphysical or mystical about it at all. You begin to consciously realize that everything is a part of you. Your focus changes from poverty to wealth.
If it helps make a list of affirmations that correspond to the two principles outlined e.g. "God is the Source and substance of everything", "I am at one with everyone and everything around me", "I am a part of all the wealth, abundance and prosperity of the Universe" etc. Don't just rhyme them off in a parrot like manner, think on them and realize the scientific or spiritual truths behind them.
Will it work? Well I can say now that if you follow the above instructions a real change will happen in you. You will start to see the beauty of the world and the unlimited resources that are available within and around you. Will you attain wealth, abundance and prosperity? Test it for yourself! self hypnosis

May 28, 2006 at 2:29 AM  

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