1/24/2005

Phobias and Fears

I told you I'd need to update this.

Mad Cow Disease -- How could I have forgotten this? I'm convinced we're all going to be dead of Spongiform Encephalopathy in about twenty-years. But does that stop me from eating burgers at In 'n Out? I wish.


My friend Peggy gave me this fabulous Pop-Up
Book of Phobias
for my birthday this year. It was very gratifying to realize that we shared all the same ones, more evidence for my conviction that Peggy and I will be perfect roommates when we are ancient crones spending our days sitting in our wheelchairs next to the elevator in the Jewish Home For The Aged.

My shark fear, and the realization that I'm not alone, has inspired me to try to produce a comprehensive list of my crazy, neurotic fears.

1. Sharks. We talked about that already.

2. Cancer. Again, I'm a Jewish girl, from a long line of women who whisper, "The C-Word" with nearly titillated horror. I'm afraid I'll get breast cancer and leave my children motherless. I'm afraid I'll get pancreatic cancer (that's a really bad one) and die when my husband is still young and sexy enough to remarry some hot little thirty-year-old who still has the energy to be acrobatic in bed and give constant head. I've made him promise that all pictures of me will remain hanging on the walls of the house, so that my usurper will have to live with my beloved image staring down on her, cursing her every move. I've also reminded him that it's very rare for a stepmother to truly love her stepchildren, and that if he does remarry he is likely to jeopardize his relationship with his children and make them miserable neurotics who soothe their grief-stricken selves with black tar heroin and labia pierces.

3. That my oldest daughter will hate me. I'm afraid that all my unmedicated years taking out my bipolar disorder on Sophie will cause her to write me off and make disparaging comments about me on her blog.

4. Hotel Bedspreads. Fecal matter. Semen. Need I say more?

5. Getting permanently ugly. This has subcategories.

a. Fat. I'm afraid that I will forget to get on the scale for six months, only to find out that I've gained sixty pounds. I'm afraid that I will have to shop for shirts that are cut loosely in the upper arm area and that I will need to do even more than the usual origami with my crêpey and loose-skinned belly in order to cram it into my pants.

b. Aging. I'm afraid that one day I will take off my bra and my breasts will tumble down and brush the tops of my shoes. I'm afraid that my nose and ears will continue to grow and that I will one day look like Abe Vigoda.

6. That my husband will leave me. I'm afraid that one day, when Michael is sixty, and I'm fifty-nine, some sexy young wanna-be writer will throw herself and her perky breasts at him and he will have a Philip Roth moment and tumble into her bed, where he will discover that the joys of sharing your life with a soul mate are significantly less than the pleasures of supple skin and the above-mentioned acrobatic sex.

7. That there will never be a progressive movement of any real strength in this country, and that the Christian majority will slowly and inexorable rise to even more prominence, until they manage to amend the Constitution to ban homosexuality altogether, to rescind the First and Fourth Amendments and to deport all Jews to Israel, the better to implement their plans to assert world domination and bring about the coming of the Messiah.

8. Poverty. I’m afraid that my next book and my husband’s next book will not sell, and we will be faced with an uncertain future and be forced to sell our house at a substantial loss (We’ve done too much weird stuff to it. Nobody would want such a rabbit warren of bedrooms and offices.) and move to Nebraska, the only place where we will be able to afford to live on the tiny royalty checks we receive from the sales of Kavalier & Clay.

9. That one of my children will get sick. I’m terrified that one of children will come down with some mysterious and horrific disease – a virus that destroys their hearts, a broken leg that results in a blood clot that kills them. I’m afraid that all the jokes I’ve made about bad mothering will come back to haunt me and I will lose one of them forever.

There must be more...I fear I will need to update this entry.





482 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you ever worry that highly-personal information on your blog will make you or your family or friends feel embarrassed, if not now then at some unknowable point in the future? I guess people write autobiographies and thinly-veiled autobiographies all the time but blogging, and yours in particular, seems much more revealing and potentially embarrassing. Now it seems that I am worried about YOU being embarrassed -- put that in your DSM III.

January 24, 2005 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Ayelet - I adore you. Your clarity and candidness is such a gift.

I, too, avoid hotel bedspreads at all costs and I carefully remove them from the bed entirely before I go to sleep. My husband, however, has been known to chase me around the hotel room with them...sadistic, huh?

January 24, 2005 at 2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I share phobia #9 in particular. On my optimistic days, I figure I have 3 chances that one will grow up intact. On other days, I figure that by having more than one, I have increased my chances that something horrible will happen to one of them.

I must admit that my worst fear is that something horrible will happen to one of them through some kind of neglect or safety oversight on my part--say, for example, if I were to be the one who left the paper clip on the table which was then used by a small child to poke into an uncovered electrical outlet hiding behind a large potted plant. My girlfriend and I have a pact that should such an event occur to one of our children, we promise to commit the grieving mother to a mental facility immediately before any further damage is done.

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January 24, 2005 at 2:43 PM  
Blogger MB said...

Well, 5a already happened to me. Four pregnancies in 7 years on full bedrest will do that to you. Oh, well, I now have fears I'll never take it all off. With the collapse of the tech sector, add #8 to my column as well, though we bought at the right time, so will be selling at a healthy gain (so long as the bubble doesn't burst in the month it takes us to clean the house enough to show it.)

I never thought I'd survive #9, not once, but now twice. Surprising how resilient we as parent can be. I often think it's my fault for being such a bad mother/person, but, you know, it really doesn't work that way. Good things happen to bad people, bad things to good. It's all a crap shoot.

January 24, 2005 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

MB - You're amazing. Amazing.

January 24, 2005 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger Devil in a red dress named liz said...

Great subject. I never thought about listing my phobias, mainly because I'm afraid (haha) it would be a never-ending list. I've actually outgrown a few of my most paralyzing fears that have to do with travelling--flying in planes, third world coups or having the big shiny gasoline tanker truck that I'm following in the Waldo Grade tunnel suddenly explode into a massive fireball. Being a mother has helped ease a few fears a bit since it means putting on a brave face for my kids. The brave face has the same transformative effect as smiling does when I'm unhappy. But ironically I've traded in my more childish fears with fears about my children. I used to worry that I would leave them in their carseat at the curb and forgetfully drive away without them or abandon them in the shopping cart at the supermarket parking lot as absent-mindedly as I used to leave my purse. Them, it only gets worse--the worry of school bullies, sports injuries, sadistic teachers, and not getting into a good college! (just kidding). But the fear of them out on the road, behind the wheel of a car has to be the worst.

January 24, 2005 at 5:46 PM  
Blogger fivecats said...

While we don't know each other, I think there's enough commonality in fears and phobias that the ones you list are fairly universal. (I'm not sure if that's supposed to be reassuring or not) You're just more honest than most about admitting to them.

For instance:

My wife completely shares #4 with you. When we check into a hotel, the first thing she does is fling the bedcover off of the bed and kicks it into a corner.

She also shares most of #5, in all of it's shades and variations. Ditto 6, 8 and 9.

I've heard #7 described as what amounts to the sad, logical conclusion of a loosely based group of individual causes that is too tolerant of everyone to set any real agenda for fear of offending any group. One thing the fascist right has going for them is the ability to dictate agendas. (I've been to too many protest rallies where the Main Message/Reason for the Rally has been diluted by too many splintered groups all eager for their message to be heard. Heard, as in "shouted louder than any other message.")

After losing my job back in May #8 became a very scary potential reality for me. I've never spent so much time scared of life as I did then.

As for #3, my wife and daughter say they "grew up together" so I doubt they'll ever hate each other. As for my son and I, well, let's just say as a step-dad I came into a rough situation and it hasn't gotten any easier. I have no doubt that he hates me at times. Have I been the best dad in the world? Probably not.Still, we all carry scars from childhood. I've always told my son that it's his duty and sacred trust to be a better father to his children than his parents were to him. And I believe that, too.

And when he does things that really annoy me, I can always blog about it. :-)

...

January 25, 2005 at 12:57 PM  
Blogger MB said...

Amazing? Ha! Amazingly overwhelmed. Been beginning google "bi-polar symptoms" myself these day.

January 26, 2005 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Amie Stuart said...

Delurking to post. =)
2. Cancer--I think more because I'm worried about what would happen to my kids than myself.

3. I'm there. Chronic depression and 9 years as a single mom isn't the same as bipolar disorder but I worry my oldest will resent me or grow up to have a list a mile long of all the crappy stuff I did or didn't do, all the ways I failed him. Kind of like the list I have for my parents *blush*

5 is a nobrainer--after birthing and nursing two kids LOL
6. he cant leave me-I left him LOL (shame on me for laughing)
7-9 I'm totally on board on.

I'm also petrified of snakes. Deathly so.

Cece

January 26, 2005 at 4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am amazed (but not frightened, as you purport to be over a silly Jesus fish on an American flag) at how blatantly anti-Christian you are. If any Christian writer were to write about Jews or Muslims or atheists the way you wrote about Christians, the writer would be pilloried by the PC police. Can you not even open yourself up to the possibility that there are many decent, well educated, thoughtful Christians who have no evil designs on Jews or anybody else for that matter. It is really disturbing to me that you so causually slander an entire group of people, most of whom have no agenda other than bringing their kids up decently just like you do.

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