David Brooks Discovers the Wheel!
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Okay, maybe I'm being a little snide. And maybe I should just be grateful that any male commentator is discussing the challenges inherent in raising a family and having a career. (After all, we could be treated to another of Caitlin Flanagan's "I'm a wife and mommy and I've never wanted a career -- except for that gig at the New Yorker and please don't talk about my full-time nanny" diatribes.) But still, I couldn't help but greet Brook's column with a great big DUH. Allison does a terrific job of taking on the various implications of his fundamental point, so I'm not going to bother replicating her analysis.
Here's the thing. Let's say I had done what Mr. Brooks suggests. Let's say I had taken the following advice:
it might make more sense to go to college, make a greater effort to marry early and have children. Then, if she, rather than her spouse, wants to stay home, she could raise children from age 25 to 35. Then at 35 (now that she knows herself better) she could select a flexible graduate program specifically designed for parents. Then she could work in one uninterrupted stint from, say, 40 to 70.
What would my life be like now? Well, I'd be married to a very pleasant albeit, er, simple Israeli who, like my father, is missing the communication gene. I'd be wretchedly unhappy, as would he. I'd not only be wearing my bathrobe at noon on Sunday, I'd be living in the goddamn thing, because I would never be able to motivate myself to dress for the misery that my life had become. See, the big ol' problem with Mr. Brooks argument is that for the vast majority of us, marrying the person we are stupid enough to be dating at, say 23 (because shouldn't we be married for at least a year before getting knocked up?), would be a catastrophic mistake. And let's not even talk about your average 23-year-old American man, and how ready he is for marriage at that age. The whole idea makes me shudder. But wait, is Mr. Brooks saying that 23-year-old women should marry 40-year-old men? Is that the whole point of this column?
The truth is I actually do think we need to rethink the way we sequence careers. I always say that your profession can't be like a train that you get on at the bottom of the hill, ride for 40 years, and then get off at the top. We need to make room in our understanding of what constitutes a career for stopping and starting, changing trains, etc. Many women (and some men) are doing that. It's just that the employment world forces each individual to (if you will) reinvent the wheel. And they are almost always penalized for their choices.
119 Comments:
as someone who (because of all sorts of my own fucked-up issues in wanting to be a good little girl, not knowing what more useful contribution to the world i could make than having children, etc.) DID marry the person i was dating at 23, i have to send out a resounding "amen" to your take on the scenario. i am now 26 and getting divorced. the guy was, to be kind, "wrong" for me. i wanted to die. and, interestingly enough, although i'm tres relieved we don't have kids, i feel guilty and like a big ol' faliure because i know i'm getting older and moving out of that desired child-bearing age-range. fucked up, much? yeah. anyway. i dearly hope my michael is out there somewhere.
--e
I actually posted the fix a week ago after you last used the blockquote tag :-)
Simply place a [p] after the closing /blockquote (substituting < for the [)
My sister in law tried it the "Brooks" way. She took a simple bookeeping course after the army to tide her over and set herself to looking for a husband, a career would be a waste of time of course as she would have kids shortly.
Now 35 and still looking for that special someone she has no career, no home and no family and stubbornly resists trying to build a real life for herself as "it's easier when you are two" or the great one "I can't put a career before family". She did in fact find someone she liked in her mid twenties but he dumped her, one of those things that happens when you rely on other people to fulfill your wishes.
Ah well.
My sister followed the Brooks plan almost to the letter. The only problem is that when she was 35, and nearing the end of the intensive child-rearing part of the plan, her husband abruptly left her (and the 3 kids) for another woman. Ooops.
Brooks obviously has been doing some deep thinking on this subject. He probably got it all figured out in an afternoon.
-Sandra
I'm sorry, but I don't see the inherent virtue in a "male commentator ... discussing the challenges inherent in raising a family and having a career" when the male commentator (or any commentator) treats this as a problem to be addressed principally by women changing their behavior to fit his idea of their self interest, especially one that as you point out is so fundamentally flawed. (As with many Brooks columns, this one is predicated on the unproven assumption that Brooks has some special ability to perceive what whole classes of people are "really like", a conceit that I find tedious, arrogant, and, frankly, offensive.)
Anyway, you might be interested in the reactions of my spouse and co-blogger, whose ideas on this have much in common with yours:
Seeing More Red: Brooks and Birth Dearth Baloney
This article reminds me of that book that was published a couple of years ago by a woman who said if you don't have babies by age 35, you can pretty much kiss having a child goodbye.
I liked Tina Fey's commentary to her book in a Weekend Update:
"According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career womem shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia's message is basically that feminism can't change nature - which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac - but she's not.
Ladies, there's no reason to panic, though. It's out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70's, when the only fertility aid was Harley's Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby, I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright."
Jennifer
My bubble is hardly burst. I'm impressed and happy for you that it worked out well, however I'm pretty confident that your situation is less common than the other. For most people, the choices they make in love in their immediate post-adolescent years are not the best. I popped over to Fred's site and suggest you all follow the link. His wife analyses this far better than I could have.
Thanks for pointing out the article.
Brooks' proposal is half-baked at best. A small tax credit isn't going to change how people make these sorts of fundamental decisions -- and if it did, it would mostly result in more poor kids.
I wrote more at:
http://elb.typepad.com/halfchangedworld/2005/01/if_it_were_that.html
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I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own blog and was curious what all is needed to get setup? I'm assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I'm not very web smart so I'm not 100% sure. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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