1/12/2005

Safe, Legal and Rare

The pro-choice and anti-choice world is abuzz with debate and discussion about Frances Kissling's 7500 word essay entitled Is There Life After Roe: How to Think About the Fetus. . (I suggest you go to the cached version of this article, as everyone and her aunt is trying to load the site, and they've effectively shut it down.) I found the article fascinating for a variety of reasons, not least because it is aligned in many ways with my current thinking about abortion.

As readers of this blog know, I had a second trimester abortion. I was pregnant with a much-wanted child who was diagnosed with a genetic abnormality. I made a choice to terminate the pregnancy. It was my third pregnancy, and I was very obviously showing. More importantly, I could feel the baby move. We had seen him on the ultrasound; I have a very clear memory of his two tiny feet, perfect pearl toes, footprint arches, round heels. This was, for me, a baby, not a "clump of cells" as an older woman, steeped in the arcane language of the early feminist movement, called him. He was my baby, and I chose to end his life.

Let me be very clear here. I support absolutely the right to abortion. I give financial support to Planned Parenthood, to NARAL. I am fanatical on this issue. I believe that every woman is entitled to choose when and if to end a pregnancy. I also believe that to end a pregnancy like mine is to kill a fetus. Kill. I use that word very consciously and specifically.

I have no regrets.

I made a choice based on my own and my family’s needs and limitations. I did not want to raise a genetically compromised child. I did not want my children to have to contend with the massive diversion of parental attention, and the consequences of being compelled to care for their brother after I died. I wanted a genetically perfect baby, and because that was something I could control, I chose to end his life.

This decision was not without its terrible costs. I mourned this baby's death. The night before the termination I lay awake, feeling him roll and spin within my body. I wept for the death of the baby inside me, and I also wept for the death of the "fantasy baby," the perfect baby I lost when the amnio results came back. I was catapulted into a six-month depression after the abortion, a depression that ended only when I got pregnant again. On Yom Kippur I wrote an essay about what I had done and read it before my congregation. One of the lines in that essay asked how I could apologize for being so inadequate a mother that I would not accept an inadequate child.

Everyone knows now how early a fetus becomes a baby. Women who have been pregnant have seen their babies on ultrasounds. They know that there is a terrible truth to those horrific pictures the anti-choice fanatics hold up in front of abortion clinics. When I was wheeled into the operating room, I begged my doctor to make sure my baby felt no pain before he was torn out of my womb. I knew the grim truth of a D&E -- I knew he would be dismembered -- and I wanted him dead before this happened. My doctor told me that he would make sure my baby felt no pain. You see, all this is horrible, and grim, and terrible to think about. But contemporary women know the truth about abortion, and those of us who remain firmly committed to a woman's right to choose need to accept and acknowledge that truth, or we risk losing our right completely.

I talked yesterday to my brilliant friend and role model, Lynn Paltrow, a woman who has devoted her life and career to pregnant women and their rights. Lynn represents women who have been charged with various offenses because of drug use when pregnant. Lynn said something truly brilliant, I thought. To be relevant to the contemporary world, to be valid, the pro-choice movement must listen to pregnant women. We must listen to the woman and value her words. A woman who is unwillingly pregnant, whose pregnancy at, say, 10 weeks, is nothing more than a source of desperation, of misery, knows one truth and we must respect it and honor it. A pregnant woman whose 4 month-old fetus has Down’s Syndrome knows another truth, and we must respect that, too. A pregnant woman whose batterer kicks her in the stomach, trying to end her baby's life, knows another truth. Respecting the truths of these pregnant women allows us to deal in shades of grey, to liberate ourselves from the straitjacket of the black and white.

I know why the feminist movement (of whom I am a proud member) has been so wary of using the language of fetal life. A Senator who uses the phrase "partial birth abortion" is exploiting a rare procedure to attack our broader right. I also know a woman who had two "partial-birth abortions," or D&Xs as they are more accurately called. My friend Tiffany is a carrier of a terrible genetic abnormality. In addition to other defects, her babies developed with no faces, with no way to eat or breathe. They were doomed. The only way to extract them without hurting her chances of ever having another baby was through a D&X.

Tiffany named her children. She mourned and mourns their deaths. She is the face of the "partial-birth abortion." If we listened to women like Tiffany, we could acknowledge the value of the babies they lost, and defend absolutely their right not to carry them full term, not to force themselves and their babies to undergo the trauma of a doomed birth.

Listen to the pregnant woman. Value her. She values the life growing inside her. Listen to the pregnant woman, and you cannot help but defend her right to abortion.

521 Comments:

Blogger stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Abortion is such a hard issue for most people, because it shows this world in all it's imperfect complexity. Nobody I know really thinks abortion is "right"...but sometimes it is the lesser wrong. And that's why it has to remain a choice.

January 12, 2005 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Libby said...

What a gut-wrenching story. Thanks for sharing it. I've never been more pro-choice, in my body rather than just in my head, than when I was pregnant. I had two easy, wanted pregnancies, and they were still so difficult, in their own ways, that I could not imagine forcing anyone to go through that who wasn't somehow prepared. It's not an easy or a good choice, but it may sometimes be the only one.

I went to a talk recently on spirituality that reminded me of the way Jewish spirituality is embodied, from the very beginning of the Genesis story: it's not until he receives the breath that Adam is a living soul. For me that helps a bit--the fetus is a potential baby, a potential soul, but it hasn't breathed yet. That's not to say that its death doesn't matter; it does.

January 12, 2005 at 1:16 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I got pregnant when I was 16. I had feared I was pregnant for quite some time before I had it confirmed...at such a young and naive age, I thought if I didn't find out for certain, maybe it wouldn't "be". You know, that stupid and damning process of ignoring something in hopes that it will go away. Back then, by the time I took the test, abortion was no longer an option.

Because being 16 means being selfish and I couldn't imagine handing my baby over to strangers only to wonder about him for the rest of his/my life, I opted to keep him. Now, 14 years later, I'm glad I did but it has been a very, very difficult road at times.

Every year I go back to my high school and talk about my experiences as a teen mom (which originally began detailing how MY life had been affected but now includes the impact of teen parenting on his life, too). During last year's visit, I had a forlorn young girl approach me after the bell rang. She had gotten pregnant the year before and had an abortion. She looked me in the eyes and asked if I thought she was a bad person. I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "Absolutely not; you did what you felt was the right choice for you and you are far more than just that decision." I've always wondered if there was something else I could have or should have said.

January 12, 2005 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger MikeNargizian said...

Ayelet,
First, your bluntness is very much appreciated, you don't pull any punches for the most part, though some mothers are people one wouldn't want to 'listen' to about life or raising children.

Your essay brings out a lot of deep thoughts and insites into life... About the constant struggle with life and the complexities of it. Many issues and decisions simply don't have 'right/wrong' answers just hard choices with consequences you suffer and wonder about either way.

While reading what you wrote I had thoughts from both sides of the 'fence' pop into my mind.. such as I can deeply feel for what you are writing and at the same time do we as humans have the right to judge when 'genetically compromised' is to the point of no return? or is Mild Down's Syndrome say very inconvenient but worthy of an abortion?
On the other hand does a stranger not in a mother's or the father's as well have the right to judge another faced with an extremely difficult decision and if they do do they then have a right to dictate to that mother and father even if they disagree with them based on their life experiences to date?
On the other hand can a line be drawn somewhere? Is it ok that girls/women are having multiple abortions as a form of birth control? and even if its not ok to judge that, is it then ok to legislate against it?

If you don't mind me asking what does 'genetically compromised' mean?

Btw, I saw the picture in the BBC article a few months back of a fetus only a few months old with the new technology they have, and saw a definite human appearing fetus moving with arms, legs etc.. and then went completely the other way. The problem with either side of a debate not acknowledging any legit points with the other and only demonizing, is that 1 day you wake up and realize the other side isn't what you've been led to believe, and then some of your supporters become your detractors.

At this point in my life as my views and world view has shifted I recently asked my father about issues I have moved over on, and he said, you'll probably shift sides of issues many times in your life.
Finally, when I was discussing the BBC picture with my brother and sis n law, he got indignant about the right of choice, though they're certainly not far lefties, and finally they told me to my shock that they had 1 while they were in college... as my mouth remained agaped the rest of the night.

Mike

January 12, 2005 at 4:42 PM  
Blogger MB said...

Ayelet, as I posted over at Allison's, as the mother of two neurologially disabled children, I agreed with your decision, and it would have been our's as well.

I often argue that abortion needs to remain legal not just for those who seek not to be pregnant, as a really good education and contraceptive campaign, a la Sweden, can significantly reduce unwanted pregnancy, but for those who want to have a baby, and then run into various issues, such as genetic defect, severe hyperemsis or toxemia, maternal cancer, etc., where the family's health and wellbeing are at stake.

I'm truly sorry you had to make that choice. We knew when we conceived Kezzie (our post-autism baby) that we would terminate for Down's or other genetic defect. We love our boys, but there's only so much stress a family can handle, and we weren't prepared to add to our's. Fortunately, Kezzie is a wonderful NT child who will be the support her elder sister needs when we are gone. We couldn't make the decision not to put the responsibility on Grace for her disabled siblings, but we could give her someone to share the load. But we certainly wouldn't have added to it.

January 12, 2005 at 5:14 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

What a fascinating post Ayelet, thank you for sharing your story. I also wonder how one tells just how compromised a fetus is - how to decide how bad the disability etc is.
I was born with mild Spinal Muscular Atrophy. 35 years ago, there was no amnio and my parents didn't have a clue they were both carriers of this rare genetic abnormality.
I often wonder whether I would have been aborted had my mother been pregnant in this day and age when "abnormalities" can be identified in utero. There are horrific forms of SMA - wherein the child never crawls let alone walks...has no muscle fibre, terrible respiratory issues and seldom lives very long. But then you have me - for the most part I live a normal, active life. Yes, when I lie on my back I have NEVER been able to lift my head. I cannot do a sit up for eg. I have to roll onto my side to get up. I've always been weaker than my peers. I got scoliosis as a teen (common with SMA) and spinal fusion at 17. And from my twenties onwards I have pretty bad respiratory issues - necessitating my usage of a bipap when I sleep (the same device used for sleep apnea).
I often wonder, were I to get pregnant and find out my child has SMA, would I terminate? Would I want a child to go through what I've been through? It hasn't been easy, but my challenges have made me stronger, more tenacious and appreciative of life. I don't have any answers...it's just something I wonder about....

January 12, 2005 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Oh, that is wrenching. I can't imagine having to make that decision, and I can't imagine how much worse it would be to have to make it knowing you could be prosecuted for it. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Doing what you describe--accepting a variety of personal truths--is to choose compassion over judgement. And that's difficult because it asks us to open our hearts and minds to the point of acknowledging that our truth is not the absolute one. And that can be damned scary. But if we could learn to do it--on both sides of nearly any issue you want to pick--God, what a different world it would be.

January 12, 2005 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger menina said...

thanks for the article. it definitely gave me a lot to think about - I too hope I never have to make that choice.

~menina (http://menina.bakerstreetsystems.co.uk)

January 13, 2005 at 4:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the link to the article. I am glad that someone is finally publicizing the issues that I have thought about for years. I am absolutly pro-choice but i once saw a bumper sticker (Im sure it was for the anti-choice movement) that stuck in my head because i absolutly agree. It said "Abortion - we can do better."

January 13, 2005 at 6:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, the above was That Girl @ That33girlie@diaryland.com

January 13, 2005 at 6:13 AM  
Blogger marrije said...

What a courageous post, and I agree wholeheartedly with your position.

When I was 21, I got pregnant, unplanned. I could have had the baby (very supportive parents, no threat of penury or disaster), but in the end decided not to. It was a terrible decision to make, and I think I'm still not over it completely - I notice that 15 years later I'm sorting through the emotions in some fiction I'm writing.

I am very fortunate, because I live in Holland, a country with helpful, non-judgemental GPs and good clinics paid for by the government health system (though the guy who 'helped' me at the clinic found it necessary to say during the pre-procedure ultrasound 'mmm, baby's perfectly healthy'), plus good information resources for those who need it.

Making a decision like this - and yes, I too believe I killed my baby - is hard enough as it is. Compassion over judgement (as PsychoKitty said) is definitely in order in this situation as far as I'm concerned.

January 13, 2005 at 8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a powerful post, Ayelet. As a pro-choice Republican, I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of valuing the pregnant woman, and her words. Most of all, it seems my peers on the political right need to remember that the "truth" of their views does not trump the truth with which the pregnant woman must live.

- Venomous Kate

January 13, 2005 at 9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very eloquent, Ayelet. I am pro-choice, and agree with much of what you said, but I think that if we are going to be completely honest, there is one other thing we need to address.

You state towards the end to listen to the pregnant woman, she 'values the life inside her.' The truth is, many of them don't. As a social worker who has known her share of young women who have received multiple abortions, who use abortion as birth control, who shrug their shoulders and treat an appointment for an abortion as casually as a dentist appointment . . . we can not sidestep the fact that there are many pregnant women who see no value to the life inside them. Since we can't be the morality police if we're going to be pro-choice and let the woman make the choice, there is nothing we can do about it. But our failure to acknowledge it weakens our stance when the only cases we talk about in our pro-choice fervor are the ones that others can sympathize with.

January 13, 2005 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger Gilly said...

This is a brave and important piece of writing. I hadn't put much thought into the subject although I certainly consider myself to be in favour of the mother's right to choose. This drums home how difficult it is to make the choice sometimes.

Thank you and Shabbat Shalom

Gilly

January 14, 2005 at 4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello... I am PRO-LIFE [Using anti-choice is pretty ridiculous . . .], and I respect what you wrote very much. However I have to ask, how far does the argument go in regards to the mother protecting her child from living a life un-worth living? If there were, hypothetically, a machine that could see where the baby will be 20 years from now. And it sees the baby, now a man, lieing on the side of the street begging for money, is it okay to terminate his life? If the baby is now a 16 year old and gets killed in a drunk driving accident, is that okay, to simply prevent the life from ever being? How about if you could look into the future, and both you and the baby's father died in a fire, along with the baby's siblings. Shall we then say, yes we are doing the child a favor by saving him from that trauma?
Now I KNOW that living a life without a face or having a genetic disorder is much more drastic than simply living in poverty (arguably), yet then the question turns into where do we draw the line? If we get to decide which lives are worth it and which aren't... that is wrong. You, unlike many pro-choice people [Not Anti-Life people], will agree that the life inside you is in fact a life, not a group of cells. Would it then be okay, if the child was at the age of 4, to terminate his life ALBEIT without pain, if he started to develope a genetic disease?
While I love wholeheartedly the calm and thought out opinions on the pro-choice side, there are many holes in the ideas. Please do write back, and completely know that not a single part of this is to make anyone feel guilty or badly. I think everyone agrees the discussion needs to be had.

January 17, 2005 at 2:59 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Thanks for your measured reply. It's terrific to be able to talk about this without the trappings of rhetoric. Your argument is a really good one, and one I've thought a lot about. It's essentially a slippery slope argument. Ie, if we let my friend T terminate when her baby has no chance of life (ie, will certainly die at birth or before) then that leads to letting me terminate when my baby has a chance of a compromised life, all the way to your hobo in a drunken stupor. I have the same answer to it that I have to most slippery slope arguments. Our job and moral thinkers is to draw the line, and in an area like this, where people of real moral certainty feel so differently, the logical place to draw the line is with the pregnant woman. In other words, the right to choose, the right to make one's own moral decision. I think birth is a fair and easy marking point. I think viability is a trickier one but one I can accept as a member of a conflicted society.
I think as we slowly confront the expanding world of genetic diagnosis we're going to see situations that make us all uncomfortable. A predisposition to addiction. Homosexuality. Predisposition to cancer. I know what I would do under those circumstances, but I also know that other people would do something else. It troubles me terribly, but I come back to the only workable solution. Each person must make her own choice.

However, there are lots of issues that plague me about that. I don't feel great about it. And I do understand, absolutely, that if a person wholeheartedly believes that a fetus is a baby, then they cannot possibly accept that baby's "murder." I know there many people who call themselves pro-life who were also opposed to the death penalty, to torture, to war. I know there are those who are pro-life who devote themselves to solving the problems of children living in poverty. I know there are people like that. It's just that the fanatical fringe on any movement is what lends it its worst name and image.

January 17, 2005 at 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting this. I, too, had a second trimester abortion. My much-wanted baby had a severe heart defect that would have killed her within hours or days after birth. I was put in the unfortunate position of having to travel 1000 miles to find a clinic to take me since I had just passed 24 weeks. I have no regrets about the decision. So many of the people who drive the debate about abortion can only think within their experience of the world. I will be content for those people to make this decision for me when they have experienced what my husband and I experienced. It was an enormously difficult choice, but it was also enormously compassionate. I suppose I don't really understand how abortion became THE political issue. I don't feel that any woman should ever have to justify this choice. It is a choice not for politicians and judges to make, but for a woman, her family, and her physician to make.

I've always been a fan of the bumper sticker that says "Against abortion? Don't have one." Many women in my situation have carried to term, and then let the baby die. And that's fine, that's the right decision for them. But for me and for my husband, the ability to spare our daughter any pain and suffering from birth or death was terrifically important for our emotional well-being, and the well-being of our family.

January 25, 2005 at 7:19 AM  
Anonymous Julia said...

I don't know if you even read your comments anymore, but I just now came across your journal and find this post and the comments on it to be one of the more peaceful and rational discussions of abortion that I've come across. I am pro-life, and probably for some of the same reasons that other people are pro-abortion -- the rhetoric of the extremists of the movements disgusts me.

For me, the issue that ultimately makes me pro-life rather than pro-abortion is the acknowledgment of the fetus as a human being, and the notion that it deserves respect. Does this mean never killing it? No. You eloquently gave cases wherein killing was a necessary evil, a hard choice in a hard circumstance, made out of compassion and love. In my mind most societal ills (war, homophobia, racism, etc) stem from "othering" people, making them less-than-human, and therefore okay to kill as collateral damage, as "enemy soldiers," social misfits, criminals, etc. The history of Planned Parenthood in notions of eugenics links it further. And the preferential aborting of females in many countries is iffy. And the percentage of abortions had by "minority" women in this country frightens me; I've talked with women working in clinics who describe a culture of pressure.

But that aside, my greatest fear is that both parties in this country will continue to frame it as a black and white issue, and use it to polarize it. The fact is I know people who say they are pro-life and yet support legal abortion in many circumstances, and people who are pro-abortion, but believe abortion should be heavily restricted. We don't have a vocabulary for discussing the issue, and we certainly have yet to frame it in humanistic terms.

When I let people know I'm pro-life (which isn't often, as it often results in insults on my person, including people following me down the street screaming obscenties after me), I also like them to know about the rest of my politics. I am not of the hypocritical "bomb the clinics, stop welfare, and kill criminals" faction which, in my experience, exists only on TV. I am your war-protesting (Clinton's bombing of Iraq; Bush's bombing of Iraq and Afghanistan), welfare supporting, anti-death penalty, pro-international criminal court, public transit riding, union, etc., etc., girl.


And, since this post is already insanely long, I'd like to confess that I, too, have an unhealthy interest in people who in the 1930s would be in a "Freak Show." I find the ways in which they challenge what it means to be human, or an individual, extremely interesting philosophically. And I empathize with your bipolar issues; I've got depression/extremely atypical OCD and I am lucky enough to have not yet found a drug that works.

So, really, I just wanted to say you wrote a thought-provoking and moving piece on abortion. I really wish there were more forums live as yours for discussing such issues on a human-to-human base, instead of us-and-them. And thank you for sharing your story; you have my respect and admiration.

Julia

June 5, 2005 at 9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So -- maybe you no loger read comments on this blog. Anyway, I felt I must write. I once had a little sister who was born with Down's Syndrome and a heart disease which, at eight months, claimed her life during an operation. When I read this post, I felt I had to ask the question: isn't a life with Down's Syndrome worth living? Isn't this a kind of Gattaca, perfect-genetics nightmare kind of thing? Must everyone be perfect? I am not judging you or even questioning your choice -- I have nothing whatsoever to do with that -- but when people speak about Down's Syndrome and aborting children with this disease, it always makes me frightened that we are moving into a territory where we shouldn't be -- playing God, if you like.

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