12/08/2004

Why Are Parents of Small Children So Awful?

Lord, if there is one thing that could make you subsist on a diet of birth control pills and Depo-Provera, it's the other parents you are bound to meet if you reproduce. For every wonderful woman with whom I've shared parenting horror stories while our children snatched toys from one and another and threw matching temper tantrums, there are two dozen more to whom I've wanted, as my father would say, to give a good zetz.

What is it about reproducing that turns a parent into a selfish maniac? A while ago I wrote an essay for Child Magazine called "The Blessing of the Average Child."

At every parents' night I've ever attended -- and with four children I've been to more than my share -- I have waited for the inevitable question.

"Excuse me," someone asks. "What accommodation do you make for the exceptionally gifted child?" We all look around to see who the lucky speaker is; who is the parent of this future Bobby Fischer, this Stephen Hawking of the second grade?


So many parents, particularly those of the older, wealthier variety, are convinced that their kids are stupendously special. Unique in their genius. So many parents are convinced that their children deserve everything, even if it's at the expense of someone else's children.

In my daughter's preschool there's a mini-drama going on. One head teacher left, and no good replacement was found. Because my daughter's class is lucky enough to have two fabulous teachers, they've decided to take one to head the other class, but just for the rest of this year. Next year, we'll have our amazing team back together again.

Well, some parents are fine with it, but others have their panties all tied in knots. "Why should my child suffer?" "Why should the problem be solved at the expense of my brilliant little boy/girl?" Oh gevalt. Look, they couldn't find a replacement. So for a few months, in order for other kids not to be really screwed, your kid is going to be a tiny bit put out.

I suppose I understand the impulse. I mean, I love my children and want the best for them. But doesn't anybody remember Hillel's golden rule? Why do normally decent people lose their perspective entirely when they have babies? I think a good test of a decent human being is this: When we have had a situation arise where we have more children than car seats, I always put other people's children in the car seat and make mine ride without. If I'm taking a risk, better it should be with my own child. (And before you freak out, this almost next happens, and I even make my ten-year-old ride in a booster seat.)

So what would you do? Which kid would you put in the car seat?

507 Comments:

Blogger Sam said...

I hadn't really though of it before (I'm new to the carseat experience). I suppose you're right, though -- if you don't have enough carseats, the other people's children should get them. What a worrying decision to have to make.

What is Hillel's golden rule?

December 9, 2004 at 12:03 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

It's the opposite of the one we hear about, but means the same thing. Don't do unto others what you wouldn't want them to do to you.

December 9, 2004 at 6:01 AM  
Blogger Z said...

I have heard the same from the opposite side of the spectrum. When I requested my LD son be mainstreamed for two classes, I was met with: "By mainstreaming YOUR {retarded} son (and thank you, no, he is NOT retarded, he is autistic/aspergers) OUR "exceptionally gifted" child will be deprived of the teacher's time and attention which will obviously be wasted on your {retarded} child since he will obviously NOT be going to college if he even finishes high school"

Feh.

What morons. To them I say, my kid reads books about Ancient Greece and Egypt in his spare time and wins every NASCAR race he plays on his PS2.

What does YOUR little mouthbreather do?????

Bitter? After 11 years of this? You bet your bippy....

December 9, 2004 at 6:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok-I tentatively attended an info. breakfast for the girted and telented program at my daughter's school and I thought the Brookline (MA) parents were a trip. I didn't realize it was a nationwide problem. There were at least three parents (of kindergarteners mind you) who asked if there was any rocket science in the K curriculum for their uber-mega-super genius child who is just bored to tears in kindergarten. The answer should have been, if your child is so freakin' gifted, why don't you take him/her to the Museum of Science and see if they need a new director while your there. The poor woman running the info. session just looked weary after the barrage. I ate my munchkins in silence and took all the handouts. -Liz

December 9, 2004 at 6:27 AM  
Blogger stephanie said...

Not having kids, I haven't had the car seat choice to make yet. But given both children are about the same age...I'm with you. I'm more comfortable taking risks with mine. And if I have geusts, and I think there's not enough of something, I ALWAYS try to make sure they're all comfortable before I get something for myself.

December 9, 2004 at 7:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*shrug*

I always carry a couple of extra boosters in the car. It's never a dilemma.

-- Erica
p.s. Given a shortage of seats, I'd put them in by age and weight.

December 9, 2004 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Oh, Z, what a horror. You see what I mean? There's no conception that it might actually be *good* for the little monsters to be exposed to all kinds of children.

Gifted and talented, sigh. I know there are children who are gifted (whatever that means), but I also know that the vast majority of children are not, and that includes the vast majority of children of the neurotic, competitive parents we see every day.

December 9, 2004 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger stephanie said...

And even those few "gifted" children can benefit- by learing how to help others, or even just patience?

December 9, 2004 at 9:06 AM  
Blogger SAHM4yrs said...

I generally don't put other kids in my car if there aren't enough carseats. (I have 2 kids and a car, not a minivan.) Either bring your own if we're going out together, or you don't get into my car.

Last year I carpooled, so I got the other kid a booster seat and gave her mom a booster seat for my daughter. But they were used maybe 10 times because the other mom "left it in the other car" or something.

December 9, 2004 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger Marjorie said...

I can't decide whether this comment shows me to be good or evil, but I'm neither. I plan to try to opt-out of the whole competitive academic world by homeschooling my kids -- I'm not a religious fundamentalist nor a hermit, I just want to be free from all the social controls that go with being in school, including everything you've mentioned. Yes, we get plenty of socialization at playgrounds, playdates, library story time, dance lessons... No, I don't have much patience with my kids, I plan to unschool, which means they get to do what they want and I call it learning (its worked so far...)

The car seat question -- I really don't want to drive other people's kids around and I don't want them driving mine around. My kids are young, 2 and 4 1/2, so maybe I'll see the necessity for it someday but it hasn't happened yet. I'd probably take a hard-line stance, you want me to drive your kid, provide me with the car seat...you have a kind heart to give up yours, I'd like to say I'd do that, but I'd be lying.

December 9, 2004 at 6:31 PM  
Blogger Suzanne said...

Sidestepping the carseat question for now (other than saying that I'd probably do anything I could to avoid being in such a situation)!

My kids are two and a half and 14 months, and I wonder how I will handle their schooling. I'm just as neurotic and insecure as the next parent, and I don't know if I've yet evolved beyond thinking that my children's greatness must surely reflect my superior parenting skills. Intellectually I understand that this is not always so (nor is the reverse, necessarily), but emotionally ... well, I'm still working on it.

Just recently found your blog and am enjoying it!

December 10, 2004 at 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm convinced it's the sleep- and sex-deprivation that most parents of young children suffer which destroys their ability to keep things in perspective. Which reminds me... I'm due for a nap.

- Venomous Kate

December 10, 2004 at 12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The carseat question inevitably comes up with five-year-olds. The law is six years and sixty pounds, so the five-year-old has to be in a booster, but sometimes a mother is stuck somewhere, desperate for someone to give the kid a ride (or I'm stuck somewhere) and it just happens.

I've wondered about this unschooling thing for a while. I remember so little about what I learned in school. On the other hand, I do use basic math (even algebra) on a daily basis. I also learned a tremendous amount in college, and I don't think an unschooled child could make it past the SATs (or could they?). I also want my kids out of the damn house. On Monday mornings I dance the hora as soon as they're out the door.

Still I like the image I have in my head of a twelve-year-old reading the collected works of Saul Bellow, because she wants to.

December 10, 2004 at 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A couple of years ago, a variation of this car seat question was addressed by Randy Cohen (the Ethicist--NYT Magazine). Someone wanted to know which child does one put in the middle of the back seat when you are carting around your kids and their friends---the assumption being that the middle seat was more dangerous than the two side seats. Do you put your own child at heightened risk or someone else's?

Cohen replied that there was no evidence that the middle seat was any more dangerous than the sides but having said that he believed that it was the duty of the parent to see to the safety of your own kids before other kids. That even if safety was an issue, you should put the other kid in the hot spot.

His answer gave me the creeps. I'm with you Ayelet. When I start driving around with my daughter's friends, they'll get the car seats if we are short and she'll sit in the middle. Ethically speaking, I guess that makes me a bad mother.

December 11, 2004 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger posthipchick said...

i'm a teacher at a high-need, low-income school and BE SURE i never get that question.
i actually snorted while reading this because i'm lucky if i get 10 parents out of 110 students for back to school night. sometimes we get NO ONE.

January 30, 2005 at 10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My husband didn't believe me when I used to tell him about the other parents, so I made him go to kindergarten orientation with me, and sure 'nuf, we got the 'what are you going to do for my hypergifted, oh so special child'? I was SO, SO, SO, tempted to ask what they were going to do for my nonverbal five year old Asperger's child who thinks he's a cow, but my husband wouldn't let me. Just wanted to give them some perspective. HAH!

They'll get theirs, I say! There's one horrible little brat in our school with his hypercompetitive mommy, and I'm afraid that at some point we all voted him 'most likely to grow up and commit date .'It's that sense of entitlement that just pervades his tiny little body and his happy home.

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Please visit our frequently asked questions section if you have further questions. Alternatively you can email me at sales@paidtodrive.co.uk
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www.PaidtoDrive.co.uk
Team

Get Paid To Drive in UK Now

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