12/05/2004

Sex and the Married Woman

Fiona is mad because in my last post I did a bait and switch. I didn't talk more about my sex life, and instead raged about my fender bender. In order to appease her, let's talk about sex, baby. The topic of the Juliet Applebaum mystery I just finished (out in the summer) is sex. Sex or the lack thereof.

It's no secret that people aren't having sex. I have one good friend, a mother of four, who claims that she's had sex with her husband three times since they were married. (She has a set of twins.) Another friend who's been married for 16 years (she and her husband married right out of college) can't honestly remember the last time they did the nasty. And I'm willing to bet that what they did way back then wasn't all that nasty. So what gives?

I blame the feminist movement.

Relax. I'm a committed feminist. I embrace the term, unlike so many of my contemporaries who believe wholeheartedly in women's rights but are terrified of calling themselves feminists. I'm proud to be a feminist. I'm proud to align myself with the whole hairy-legged Boston Women's Health Collective thing. (I'll tell you about the unshaved armpits, my cousin Marcie's wedding, and the pink strapless dress another time.) But I still blame feminism for the fact that no one is getting laid.

I think it's just a fact of hormones that, by and large, most men want sex, they think of sex, they desire sex, more than most women. Don't lynch me, but I think it's really true. A man is exhausted, drained, stressed out, and what does he want? Just a quick blowjob to relax. A woman facing similar anxiety and fatigue just wants to read a novel or go to sleep. Or blog. Back in the days of yore, a woman felt an obligation to provide sexual satisfaction to her husband. Whatever she was going through, however exhausted she was, little wifey would lie back and think of England every Saturday night (and on alternate Tuesdays). Nowadays, women no longer feel this sense of obligation. He's been out there working? Well, so has she, or if not, she's been schlepping from soccer practice to ballet to nursery school committee meeting.

Are you waiting for some personal revelation? I'm a little hypomanic this morning, so I'm willing to be somewhat indiscreet. The secret to a good sex life, I think, beyond having an absolute obsession for your husband that borders on the psychotic (can you stalk the man you live with?), is to take a lesson from the Queen. Within a moment or two, as long as your partner has even basic fine motor capacity, Victoria will be gone, and in her place will rise Lady Chatterley.

473 Comments:

Blogger fiona said...

Thank you for appeasing me dear!! Really I was just teasing but obviously you were in the mood to "share!"

But I think you're right in many regards. For most women the mood has to be right and while it may aid a good night's sleep, if I've had a long and lousy day, I'd rather a long bath and a good book than a shag. But has anyone out there ever met a man who's said no??

I think sex only becomes an issue in a marriage when other things aren't going right. If things are good in your relationship you don't use sex as a gauge for how good/bad things are. But if you're yelling or worse still, not yelling, then how many times and when the last time was becomes the be all and end all of your marriage.

I have friends, who after 14 years together still have daily sex (he's an academic - has the time!) I often thought that maybe it becomes a little routine that often! But sex really is like that box of chocolates - the more you have the more you want - and chocolate and sex both stimulate the same endorphins. Just that chocolate doesn't require getting your kit off and making conversation!

But after living in England for the last 5 years, I gotta tell you if you need a distraction, lie back and think Tahiti!

December 5, 2004 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger stephanie said...

First I have to say I absolutely love your blog. It's becoming addictive!

I have to agree with your comment on taking a lesson from the queen;-) Not to get too personal, but I often find that it's worth going along with my b/f even if it's not my top desire- I always wind up enjoying it! ;-)

December 8, 2004 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger Marjorie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

December 9, 2004 at 6:36 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Why isn't there more discussion about this! Marjorie -- let 'er rip!

December 10, 2004 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger Marjorie said...

oh...I was just going to say that if Lady Chatterly didn't appear in a few moments chances are it would all be over soon enough and there'd be nothing more to worry about.

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Oh. Dear. Hmm. Well, I had a boyfriend or two with similar problems. There's a book out there, should you have the patience to offer a cure.

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oh, thanks, but I was just trying to make a joke

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