12/03/2004

A remarkable essay

Today my friend Allison pointed me to a truly amazing essay on the Electric Venom blog. Beyond just the whole ego-surfing aspect of me and Michael being referenced in this blog, the essay brought up so many things for me. I write very autobiographical fiction, and I also write personal essays. Moreover, I am constitutionally incapable of keeping my mouth shut about my own life, particularly the aspects of it that make me look the worst. I have an essay coming out in the new Mother's Who Think collection about how I love my husband more than my children. I know I'm going to get grief for that, even though the editors wisely discouraged from putting in a line about how I love my husband so much that I would toss any one of my children in front of a bullet if that was the only way I could save his life. They recognized that for hyperbole above and beyond the usual. But the feeling I was trying to express is still in the essay -- it's the whole point of the essay. And I know there are going to be people who are made uncomfortable by it, people who will dislike me for it. (That is, if anybody reads it at all.) I continue to write this way because I am convinced that for every person who debates whether or not to call DSS and report me, there are others who recognize the emotion and are relieved to see it in print.

I hope.

So, Venomous one, I want to see your personal essays. I admire your honesty, and I'm blown away by your prose.

238 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing in the world wrong with loving your husband more than your children. I feel the same way. What's more, my parents always taught me that you're supposed to love your spouse more than your children. After all, the kids grow up and move away. The hubby, you have to live with for the rest of your life.

December 3, 2004 at 11:02 AM  
Blogger Jeneane Sessum said...

Wow. Fascinating and brave. I can't say I can relate, because I'd probably take the bullet myself not out of any heroic ambitions, but so that I wouldn't know who got it in the end.

I'm not sure if it's loving "more than" but I was told by a rather good therapist that the husband/wife relationship is PRIMARY. It is the most important relationship. And that kids do best if they see and understand that.

I didn't have that model growing up--my dad died when I was six. THen mom alone for six years. Then stepfather. But perhaps you saw healthy love relationships growing up and you are naturally putting into practice what you saw?

My husband would kill me if I sacrificed our daughter to save his life, and I'd kill him if he did the same. In fact, I'd probably then kill myself while I was at it, to avoid the pain and hard jail time. So we'd all be dead.

Problem solved!

December 3, 2004 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

I used to go far down this "we'd all be dead" road. Whenever Michael would travel I would decide that if he died in a plane crash, I would pull and Andrea Yates and then kill myself. But now, my children are old enough to have actual lives, interests beyond me. Or maybe they always did but I just couldn't see it. Jesus, this is morbid.

I think it's true that the relationship with your spouse/partner has to be paramount. Your love for children inevitably ends up unrequited to some extent.

December 3, 2004 at 12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if I agree. Husbands "come and go", but children are forever.

December 4, 2004 at 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm another one of those who would sacrifice her spouse to save her children. I would hope he'd do the same.

But I don't think my position is necessarily the right one, either. And I have to admit I am envious of others being so in love with their spouses. I bet you exchange really nice birthday and holiday presents, too. I got a thesaurus for my last birthday. And the rally sad part is that I asked for it

Good luck with the blog. I linked to you and have had a lot of my admittedly smaller by loyal readership remark that they really enjoy your writing.

-Linda www.junkstorecowgirl.com

December 4, 2004 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger SAHM4yrs said...

I wish I loved my husband at all. He recently turned atheist on me, and we're Orthodox Jews. I LOVE my kids and want to do everything I can for them...so there's no "take a bullet for him" issue...of course they're first for me.

Btw, I just found your blog and like it...and I LOVE your books!

December 4, 2004 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger Jeneane Sessum said...

Have I mentioned that I absolutely LOVE this morbid and perhaps not-so-hypothetical discussion! What fun!

December 4, 2004 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger squarepeg said...

I can see how your point of view might rile mothers who are unable to be honest about not loving their husbands as much as you love yours (everybody must LOVE their husbands, just as everybody must LOVE their mothers), and hating you with envy precisely because of that. Me, I can envy you while continuing to admire your honesty. That is, I envy that you love your husband that much, not that you love him enough to sacrifice a child for him. That part I just don't get.

December 7, 2004 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

It's not that I WANT to sacrifice a child. It's just this insane Sophie's Choice thing. What if I had to? If the Nazis said, your child or your husband, and no you can't offer yourself in their place. In that situation (which would never happen, right?) I'd choose him.

He'd be furious, though, and would probably leave me for it, thereby defeating the entire purpose of the choice. Or not. How unselfish is my love? Probably not that unselfish.

December 8, 2004 at 11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding like we're starting a Mutual Admiration Society, let me just say that I forgot to mention how much I'm in awe of your writing, your candor, and your refreshingly normal perspective on being a wife, mother and woman.

As for the Sophie's Choice... I'd make the same one. Without my husband, my children wouldn't have come to exist.

- Venomous Kate

December 10, 2004 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

I'm all flushed and blushing, Kate! :)

December 10, 2004 at 2:02 PM  
Anonymous jjr said...

You are a bad mother. Coming from someone who had a child die and multiple miscarriages --- I long for a child. You do not deserve to be a mother.

March 31, 2005 at 6:22 PM  
Anonymous jje said...

You are a bad mother. Coming from someone who had a child die and multiple miscarriages --- I long for a child. You do not deserve to be a mother.

March 31, 2005 at 6:22 PM  
Anonymous Jessy said...

Well, I am totally with you AYELET and I thank you for voicing your opinion, I just saw you on OPRAh and you did great...just like Oprah said I do not think any of those mothers are having any sex or have any love for their husbands, he is just "there". Where I on the contrary love and cherish my husband. I adore my 2 boys but eventually they will leave me and not want my advise AT ALL...Yet my husband and I will be together, god-willing and as we promised before God forever...the woman who said husbands come and go must be on her 10th marriage...Marriage is forever, god gives us the gift of children as the fruit of the love IN THE MARRIAGE, NO MARRIAGE or NO INTIMACY w/ your partner NO CHILDREN.....Treasure the man who gave you those precious children, now on the other hand if you can't say you love him then for heaven's sake, what are you doing there? You are not giving your children a healthy example of a loving family, that is where their stability comes from......

My hats of to you AYELET, you are truly an example.

April 20, 2005 at 2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ayelet has some good common sense when it comes to love. Many husbands/fathers are put somewhere below the ex-brother-in-law on the use of love continuim. If wives/mothers only realized we need love/sex and we need it to be consistant with passion!

April 20, 2005 at 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your words about harming your children frighten and sadden me deeply. My heart breaks for your children and the women who actually deserve children but can not have them....You really need serious serious help and I hope desperately that you will get it Ayelet...

April 24, 2005 at 12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i read your piece in the NYT and hated it. Surprisingly, based on your blog, I don't dislike you as much as I thought I would (I too love Kathleen Sullivan, formerly of HLS). How can you play these WHAT IF games with your children? Aren't you superstitious in the least? One the main thoughts I had reading your column, is that given the divorce rate in this country, you can never be sure that this grand passion you have will last. Then you will be quite embararassed by what you wrote. I also thought that people who talk about how great their sex life is all the time are trying to convince somebody or make up for something. Maybe you are more insecure than you think. Also, even (especially) if you firmly believe what you wrote, how can you deal with your children reading it one day? Don't you knowe the life long hurt you will cause them and I don't think there is a way to make up for it. I don't think any good publicity from your piece is worth that. This is the kind of piece you are better off writing and not showing to anyone.

May 6, 2005 at 9:31 AM  
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I ended up on your page here entirely by accident but I'd like to thank you. More than that, I'd even like to write you by email, but, my handle doesn't have a email address yet,, so I'll just say it here.


My parents' marriage was terrible in a million ways but one thing that branded itself into my head and heart ever so deeply was the fact that, to my mother, her children were her life.

For one, I'm revolted by the fact that her children were her life inasmuch as I would have preferred she had her /own/ life, it's no fun being sacrificed for all the time.

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May 11, 2005 at 11:41 PM  
Anonymous shelby chase said...

ayelet:
i read your article and also saw you on oprah.
sincere questions and comments:

1.does your husband feel the same exact way about YOU?
2. on oprah's show, you said that you worried about your husbands book groupies and that you were getting older and saggier (i paraphrase) and that he could potentially leave you for any one of these young girls---so was this essay really just one big commentary on your insecurity in this relationship?

you have said in the sunday sf chronicle magazine that your husband is so much the better writer, the one whom people will be reading for years to come and that you will merely be a footnote. again, the insecurity issue rears its head once again.

in a way you come across as one of those women who believe that their husbands are so much better than they, worship their husbands to the point of obsession, and do not feel complete as themselves but only as part of a couple.

to say the relationship is the primary one which is essentially the meat of the essay would certainly not have gotten all the publicity you received. i do think you had the ulterior motive to shout your name from the rooftops in any way possible. and you certainly succeeded.

since maternal love is non-sexual unlike spousal love which includes sexual attraction, how is it that you can even say you love him "more" than your children? that would imply that your love is the same across the board. clearly your maternal instinct is somewhat weak. i am not insulting you but rather pointing out that perhaps you would have been better off just clinging to your husband and remaining childless so as to have him all to yourself and not have to share him with anyone else.

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Start Over : When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting.

Lighten Up : Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in their relationship, things tend to get serious.

Night of Passion : Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy.

Cuddle Time : When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday existence.

Make the Women Feel Good : Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves.

Showing Love : Although hearing the words, I love you is special and important.

Realistic Expectations : No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect.

Go on a Date : Especially for married couples, but even for some dating couples, start dating.

Control Your Anger : Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense arguments.

I Forgive You : If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will have many things to work through.

Day at the Movies : Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday.

Dinner by the Fire : Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles.

A Day at the Spa : Show your appreciation for the hard work that takes.

Keep in Touch : It is important that you keep in touch with each other often.

Motivate Each Other : Find a mutual incentive that will motivate both of you.

Adore your Mate : Appreciate and love them for the person they are.

Make Eye Contact : Think back to the first time you saw your now mate.

Respect Privacy : When two people come together in a relationship, each person has their own set of history.

Be Flexible : There will be times when your mate is right and times when you are right.

Encourage Friendships : Men, unlike women, have a more difficult time in developing close friendships with other men.

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