12/08/2004

Thanks for Showing Up

To all those delightful souls who've emailed or posted, thanks for reading my daily musings. And if I could figure out how to use the damn blogroll function, I'd blogroll you. My sys-op is home from China, so I anticipate having that blogrolling thing up and running ASAP.

Yesterday I made seventy-five latkes, assuming that that would suffice for the two Hanukkah parties we're having this week. Who was I kidding? Last night's guests gobbled up every last greasy potato. So tomorrow I will be waking up a dawn to drench my kitchen in oil one more time. I was complaining to my mother-in-law that my new drugs are making me fat, when she glanced over at the table, and then gently reminded me that I had just consumed my weight in latkes. And that’s in addition to the three Thanksgiving dinners.

For those of you who have read my blog and haven't figured this out yet, I'm bipolar. Damn that Jane Pauley for beating me to the tell-all memoir. I've probably been like this all my life, but only since my last pregnancy has it really been a problem. I'm lucky – I’ve never had a full-fledged manic episode, and my depressions have been pretty mellow. It's mostly that without the drugs, I'm moody as hell and kind of a bitch. You're thinking, "Hey, so's my mother, and she's not on any drugs." Well, a few months ago I had a similar thought (not about my mother, but about half the people I know) and decided to go off the meds. As soon as I did, I lost myself. I became what I used to be, especially around my kids -- MEAN. Just plain old mean. Maybe I suffer from an as-yet-unnamed kind of bipolar disorder -- bipolar III, nasty mother syndrome. Anyway, when my meds are working I'm much more easy-going, I'm productive, my work goes well, and most importantly, I'm a much more pleasant mother.

It's funny, I've always had huge problems thinking of myself as a writer. It seems so unlikely that this type-A trial lawyer would end up writing. I felt like a fraud for so long. In fact, it took three published books before I'd even call myself a writer. I was a "stay-at-home-mother" or I was on the world's longest maternity leave. Having the bipolar diagnosis makes it perversely easier to think of myself as legitimate. I might not have spent my life longing to put pen to paper, but I'm the same kind of crazy as Lord Byron, Ernest Hemingway and Sylvia Plath! Talk about your street-cred!

649 Comments:

Blogger fiona said...

From where I'm sitting you're doing just great babe, whether you're a writer, a lawyer, a professor, a mum, a wife or "just" a woman.

December 8, 2004 at 10:44 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

You, my dear, are a fantastic addition to my day.

December 8, 2004 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

I've been enjoying your blog and applaud your efforts, your work, your openness with being bipolar and add a hurray to the ones above.

Last year (while in Israel for two weeks) my friend (with whom I stayed) hosted a Hanukkah party for nearly 50 people (in her small one-bedroom Jerusalem apartment!). We made four different kinds of latkes by hand - carrot, zuchinni, sweet potato and regular (we intended to make apple but there were only so many things I was going to grate :-) ). I felt like I smelled like latkes for days and days. Somehow the enjoyment of them was porportional to the work involved and we were happy to have made so many.

Enjoy the latke making festivities again.

December 8, 2004 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Leah, you hand-grated latkes for 50 people??? My Lord, woman, you are amazing. I was exhausted and I neither peeled nor grated! I use thin-skinned potatoes and the food processor.

December 8, 2004 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger menina said...

bipolar or not, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog! :)

~menina (http://menina.bakerstreetsystems.co.uk)

December 9, 2004 at 12:42 AM  
Blogger The Philosophical Epicurian said...

interesting about the bipolar. i go up and down but none of the drugs seem to work. the anti-depressants do everything from making me feel like i've taken a hit of mdma i don't want (all the time!) to hallucinate. the bipolar stuff they tried, lamictal and topomax, didn't do a thing.

anyway, i enjoy reading your posts. your blog actually inspired me to do a split from my online diary (going strong since '96) and try to keep my anger and frustration vented on blogger and my personal life ... well, as personal as an online diary can get.

December 10, 2004 at 1:45 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

Hey...I had an awful experience on Lamictal (ended up in bed weeping hysterically) and Topomax caused me to lose seven pounds -- a fabulous thing -- but I ultimately had to admit it wasn't doing jack. I have some easy advice -- give Omega III a try. I take 9 grams (that's 8 pills), and it's made a tremendous difference. I'm even slowly getting off my antidepressant. Feel free to email me if you want to chat about this more personally. ayeletw@earthlink.net.

December 10, 2004 at 1:58 PM  
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You forgot Edgar Allan Poe

December 11, 2004 at 3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh-oh. As a retired trial lawyer who has been a stay-at-home mom for 4 years, I'm going to have to make sure my 13-year-old doesn't read this. She'll insist I get on meds, too, when it's so much more fun just being mean.

- Venomous Kate

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