1/06/2005

Fat is a Feminist Issue. Sort of.

Thanks to Allison, I've been thinking about fat. Slate asks us this question: "Can you be a fat female and also an object of desire? "

Sigh. This is such an issue for me. I am in a constant state of weight anxiety, and have been all my life. When I think of the skinny years I wasted being convinced I was grotesquely obese, I just want to scream. In college, I weighed 100 pounds. And all I wanted in the world was to lose the five pounds that stood between me and eternal loveliness. I was convinced that if I could just peel off that layer of hideous blubber, I would be thin and beautiful. Did I mention that at the time I weighed 100 pounds? By the end of law school, I weighed 107 pounds. I obsessed over my weight. I thought about it constantly. I ate bagels "Jewish girl stye." (What? You don't know what that is? You cut the bagel in half, scrape out the inside, and eat a shell of a bagel. Mmm. Not.) I bought clothes in a size two, whether or not they fit, because the idea of being a size four made me weep. Let me repeat that -- I was upset about being a size 4.

When I married Michael the first thing he did was put some weight on me. He grew up in a completely integrated neighborhood, and all the first objects of his desire were African-American girls. If a baby don't got back, he's not interested. I've always had me some back, but he wanted more. By the time I got pregnant with Sophie, I was up to 112 (horrors.) Is anyone noticing that while I cannot remember my children's names, how old they were when they took their first steps, or what I ate for breakfast, I can recite my weights through the years with precision? I put on over 50 pounds when I was pregnant. Yes I did. For the first time in my life I ate whatever I wanted. Ice cream sundaes every night? Bring it on! Whipped cream on my pancakes? Bring it on! Butter on that croissant? Oh yeah. How about butter on my steak? That too. You know what? Five months after Sophie was born, I was down to 115. I had a trainer who was a methamphetamine addict, something that every overweight person with adequate resources should consider. He couldn't stop moving, and so I got thin. Objectively thin. But I thought I was fat. Huge. Obese.

Then Zeke. Up another 55 pounds, and then down to 114! Then up to 117. Where I hovered, despite my feelings of self-loathing. Then the baby that wasn't. That pushed me to 120. Another fifty pounds with Rosie. And down again, but only to 120, again. Never to that beloved 117 which I am convinced is the key to slenderness. Then Abraham. Sixty pounds. Yes. Sixty. Shut up. I had to have a root beer float every night. EVERY NIGHT. Because I did. Just because.

OK, so this is getting boring. Let me just say that I now weigh 122 pounds and I'm in a state of panic. I hate my body. I hate the flap of skin and fat that hangs over the waistband of my underpants and pooches out my slacks. I hate the saddlebags of crumpled and dotted skin on my thighs. I hate the way the flesh on the underside of my arms sway in the wind.

And you know what? If you saw me, you'd think I was a normal human being. You might even say I was in decent shape. More importantly, my husband thinks I'm hot. He loves my flap of a stomach. He loves my huge ass. So what gives? Why am I so tortured by this? Why aren't I just happy and grateful for him? Why do I evaluate my bipolar medication based on whether or not it makes me gain weight, instead of how well it controls my mood swings? Why am I such a moron?

506 Comments:

Blogger Anshel's Wife said...

You wanna feel good? Come stand next to me. I'm TWO of you!

I also go through this thing that you go through, but I really am fat. And the craziest thing is that my husband still loves me and wants to hug and kiss me. He would like me to lose weight. There is the promise of a Chanel suit if I actually get to my ideal weight.

But I am no longer upset with skinny people who think they are fat. If for some reason you aren't happy with yourself, get happy. As long as it's not illegal or going to hurt anyone.

January 6, 2005 at 4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did anyone ever tell you how gorgeous you look in this blog?

Yatima

January 6, 2005 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger St. Casserole said...

I think something is wrong with today and not us. I feel like a lump, too. And so do all the women I've spoken with today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

January 6, 2005 at 4:48 PM  
Blogger DovBear said...

How old are you? That's the context missing here.

January 6, 2005 at 5:32 PM  
Blogger gayle said...

Ayelet, you are such a beauty! It breaks my heart the way we beat ourselves up (I still do it myself, despite all of my body-positive work.)

I am working on a book that explores the cultural and personal history of the thigh, and would love to include your voice in the project. I'm calling the book Thunder Thighs to try to claim the power that's in that part of our body (and erase the shame that those two words usually inspire.) Let me know if you (or any of your devoted readers!) would like me to send you my thigh survey. You can be anonymous, if you'd like. Feel free to email me at thighbook at hotmail dot com.

xo
gayle

January 6, 2005 at 5:42 PM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

I wish there was one of those little symbols to express the following emotion: A catch in the throat, a grateful smile, a little emotional hiccup. Thanks guys.
Oh, and I turned FORTY on December 11. But don't tell anyone, because when Love and Other Impossible Pursuits comes out I might have to tell everyone I'm 35 in order to score better publicity.

January 6, 2005 at 6:07 PM  
Blogger A.H. said...

First of all, I think you look fabulous. I am currently experiencing the complete opposite of what you're going through. I had my first child in July, an adorable little girl. I thought breastfeeding would be the way to go. It's good for the baby and a great way to lose all those extra pregnancy pounds. And then some! I gained 28 pounds while I was pregnant and have since lost 43. I was not that big to begin with. I fear I will soon be freakishly small. Baby's doing great, though. You should see her thunder thighs!

January 6, 2005 at 6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think all of us mamas of many need to make peace with the pooch. I've yet to meet a real mama who has managed to completely get rid of it (if you have, congratulations! but don't tell me—I'd rather believe it's impossible).

Just a word of wisdom, however. If for some reason you feel the need to buy a foundation garment to hide the pooch, leave your three under seven at home. My imps were, of course, bored in the changing room as I compared various styles and effects, so they started pushing each other around, yelling, "Poosh! Poosh!" which eventually turned into "Pooch! Pooch!"

So there I am, in the changing room in Dayton's lingerie department, trying on foundation garments with three small children dancing around and singing, "Pooch! Pooch! Pooch! Pooch!"

I decided it was time to buy a different dress instead.
Cathy

January 6, 2005 at 6:38 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

Oh Ayelet! You are such an intelligent, wise woman - it amazes me that you are so down on yourself about a few pounds. Would it cheer you up to know my whole life has been a struggle to GAIN weight? I was born with mild Spinal Muscular Atrophy, so my limbs are quite skinny. I am 35 and weigh 80 pounds! I am 4"11 so I look fine, in proportion, but I'm always wishing my thighs could touch! Since arriving in the states 3 years ago, I have gained about 12 pounds - living in Israel with all the tension was NOT conducive to eating. When I get anxious I can't eat. Anyway, bottom line is - whether underweight or overweight, I think we're never happy. I have to admit I now like my body most of the time, having a boyfriend of 2 years who thinks I am the sexiest morsel alive helps (he enjoys tossing me around in bed, LOL) - but I still get those horrid twinges sometimes that people will think I'm anorexic etc...that is one horrid side of being skinny - people JUMP to the eating disorder conclusion - and then I have to assure them I am not - but they still look at you like, yeah right... *sigh*
One day I want to write my book entitled, "Confessions of a human toothpick (in the midst of a revolution)" - it's about me growing up in SA through apartheid and post apartheid. Now if I could just sit on my little ass and write!

January 6, 2005 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

Clearly your mother is to blame for your body hangups.

bwahahahahahaha.....

January 6, 2005 at 7:45 PM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

The thing is that a woman in America today can't win. I had a college roommate who was very thin and people would actually walk up to her and suggest she get help for her anorexia. Later in college, she gained a few pounds and got a little booty, though she was still very slender, and people started teasing her about her "weight gain." WTF? And whose approval are we looking for, anyway? Like your Michael, most men don't put much emphasis on a woman's weight. And other women, I've noticed, actually get kind of bitchy if you start looking thinner than they think they are. We are one messed up people.
I'll bet you look absolutely gorgeous. And if it makes you feel any better, I gained 50 with my first baby, and 70 with my second. 7-0. Woot!

January 6, 2005 at 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a great book you should read about this called, "The Fat Girl's Guide to Life" by Wendy Shanker. It's a great book about dealing with the insanity of weight and her point is that "Fat" applies to anyone who thinks of themselves that way--which is every woman I know of except maybe for Gwyneth "Fish Stick" Paltrow (not that I know her, but anyway....).
The thing is guys like a girl with curves. It doesn't surprise me that Michael was into you being a bit more thick. Girls dig skinny way more than guys too and I think that's still shocking for most women. We expect every guy to be as tough on us as Vouge is and most of them could care less. Okay maybe they'd notice if we weighed 200 pounds, but a man will always go for the girl with T and A before some skinny chick and despite knowing that I'm still shocked everytime this happens. So ease up there Ayelet, you got your man, your babies, your books--you could up to 185 and still be a rock star. Too bad you don't know that.

--Amy in Seattle

January 6, 2005 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger carocaro said...

oh, god, i see this same struggle in my daughter, the svelte, beautiful, "oh no she won't inherit my body or my neurosis about my body" daughter, who came home from her first semester at college 20 pounds heavier and clearly down on herself for it. --although unlike me, she sees it as temporary, rather than a malevolent character flaw.........

January 7, 2005 at 4:16 AM  
Blogger stephanie said...

Oh Ayelet- do you know the last time I weighed 122 was in high school? For the relevant stats: I am 32 years old, 5 ft tall, and...165. (Don't forget, guys, height is important!) And know what? My bf loves me, and still finds me sexy. Even though I'd love to lose 30 lbs.
I remember, in high school, a woman I used to babsit for who was so proud she could fit into her 10 yr old sons jeans. Guess what? Her skin just hung there- but looked really gross, cause there was nothing filling it out. Just loose, crepey skin. I think it's better to be a little filled out, and i'll take dimples over wrinkles anytime ;-)

January 7, 2005 at 6:19 AM  
Blogger Ayelet Waldman said...

It's great to see that I'm not the only one who's crazy, and that we all realize we're nuts. My goal is to end this mishogas here, not to hand it down for another generation. I never NEVER talk about my weight in front of my kids. Michael is always pointing out gorgeous heavy women and saying things like, "Wow, she is so beautiful." Maybe Sophie and Rosie will figure out a way to feel good about themselves. Around her the girls all wear midrif tops, even if they have a big roll sticking out. I think it's kind of fabulous. I mean, I'm not hugely in love with the style, but I like that it's not limited to the skinnies.

January 7, 2005 at 8:06 AM  
Blogger Rose Thetis said...

You've already heard what a stud you are, but I know that doesn't make a difference because those feelings will continue to nag you. During one of the worst periods of my life (late teens/early 20s) I was a long distant runner and weighed about 105 pounds. Despite the crazy time (bulimic/terrorized by a cult to name a few reasons) I MISS the weight. It sometimes makes me nostalgic for that time of my life. Crazy. I'm glad your boy toy doesn't contribute to it. He's a keeper.

January 7, 2005 at 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am never at the "magic weight" that will make me happy. Same for success, I fear. And I imagine that might be true for you too:

(from the Contra Costa Times) "Now Waldman is testament to how much can happen in four years. She had two more children. She wrote five more Mommy-Track Mysteries (the most recent to be published next year). She wrote the Times Book Club selection "Daughter's Keeper." She just finished another literary book, which started bidding wars at publishing houses all over Europe and was bought by Disney for the movies."

Not to sound all Carrie Bradshaw, but "when is enough enough?"

January 7, 2005 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger TC said...

My weight story is almost EXACTLY the same as yours, Ayelet. Except for the obsession part. Because I really almost never cared about what I weighed. And I was skinny when I was young, really skinny. And I bulked up as I got older. and I gained 44 pounds with my first pregnancy, then lost most of it. Then gained 50 pounds with my second pregnancy, and lost most of it. Then went a little crazy, and lost more and more and more. (Gotta love anxiety.) Then went on meds and gained.

And so know, at the age of 40 (like you) and standing at 5 feet and 1 inch (how tall are you, anyway?) I weigh 128. URGH. And suddenly, I care. I care a lot. So I'm dieting, seriously, for the first time in my life. Before the holidays, I went from an all-time high (by almost 20 pounds) of 135, to 121, but obviously, I've slipped a bit.

My point? Although I thought I was going to be the perfect mother in this sense, because I really didn't care, and it really didn't matter--until I really did get fat, when it suddenly really did matter--now my daughter constantly asks me if things are on my diet. "Is that Core?" she'll say. Or, "How many points is that?" Sigh. Is there really any way to prevent infecting our children. I don't think there is...

January 7, 2005 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger stephanie said...

Okay, to inject a little reality here...At 5'1 and 135lbs, TC's BMI is 25.5 (Healthy BMI is 18.5-24.9). So not even by the established standards (which are, imho, wrong) is she fat! Also remember ladies- after 30, you're expected to gain 10lbs/decade. I don't think you've anything to worry about ;-)

January 7, 2005 at 12:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because most people are raised or conditioned to be afraid of large (or even reasonably-sized) female bodies. My parents were very critical of my weight, and later on a psychiatrist cheerfully informed them that might be linked to my sister's bullemia.

I am a very heavy woman. So heavy that I am magically invisible (People don't look at me, or look at me with distain. They don't hear me, or value what I have to say, or feel that I COULD have anything to say.). Still, unaccountably, my husband adores me and thinks I'm the best person in the world. He'd like me to lose weight, but only if I want to, because he likes curvy women.

But overall, even with childhood obesity on the rise, women (particularly white women) want their children to be thin. I don't know why people are so afraid of a healthy weight, but they are. You are no different than anyone else of our generation, unfortunately. But it's good that you're trying not to let that negativity "get" your daughters, although I am sure they hear it from their friends and their frends mothers.

My sister-in-law is worried because her daughter is heavier than normal for her age. Her own sister is over a standard weight, and she's concerned that her daughter has interited those genes instead of her wear-a-girdle thin ones. She talks about it incessently, and explains to anyone who'll listen that soon her daugher will lose her baby fat and become svelte. Did I mention that her daughter IS a baby? An eight-month-old cheerful, chubby, happy, baby. And I fear for her.

k

January 7, 2005 at 1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, Ayelet . . . you know you've hit a collective nerve when a post gets this many responses so fast, eh?

Any chance of cloning your husband and putting the clone up for bid on ebay? Lucky girl. :)

Count me among the sad sacks . . . I'm currently seeing a therapist (something I actually loathe doing, so hopefully it will be short term). She asked me to write a 'weight history', similar to what you describe about your weight and how it changed over the years. Can someone please explain to me how it is possible that I was just as unhappy with my body back when it weighed 90 fewer pounds than my highest weight? Good Lord. Now, I know that I was at the most just a few pounds 'overweight.' But with the level of obsession I had about it, it may as well have been a hundred. About 4 years ago, I dropped about 60 pounds and have kept them off. And wouldn't you know . . . still not much happier than I was before, because I'm not 'there' yet.

Someone just take me out back and shoot me. I know it's a common issue, but my own self-absorption is really tiring.

I think it's great that you are careful about the role modeling you do in front of your kids. I was hugely influenced by my mother's feelings about weight - both hers and my own. I did not take after her genetically; she's short and on the petite side; I'm 5' 9" . . . she's distressed by my height and body frame alone, even when it's skinny. It took me years to stand up straight and actually inhabit this body of mine. Always be careful what you say to your kids . . . I remember every last rotten thing my mother said to me. I think my favorite experience was right after I graduated from college (summa cum laude, mind you), and she called me and said "I don't want to offend you, but for your graduation present I thought I'd pay for you to go to Jenny Craig. You're going to have a hard time finding a job looking like that . . . and just think, you need a new wardrobe. You'll be so mad at yourself if you have to spend all that money on big clothes." At the time, I was probably about 40-50 pounds overweight. Can I borrow your blog to say "Thanks Mommie Dearest . . . bitch." :)

January 7, 2005 at 1:51 PM  
Blogger Snoozebar said...

I have by some miraculous good fortune ended up, at age 41, happy with my 135-pound post-baby body (I'm 5'3"). Not deliriously happy, but just fine about it. I feel positively un-American.

Still, I must ask you, Ayelet, just what goes through your mind when you write such things about your husband? Surely you know that there are many, many women who stare wistfully at our husbands thinking "Why can't you be more like Michael Chabon?"

You don't have to specify what they are, but please tell us he has one or two really disgusting habits that mitigate all the wonderfulness just a bit. Thank you.

January 10, 2005 at 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went through the same ups and downs, almost the exact weights, with my three pregnancies.With magic baby number three I gained my typical huge amount of weight but it didn't come off so fast, even with round the clock nursing (insatiable little guy). Four years later I am sporting the flab, and my oldest is in residential treatment for anorexia. Did I complain too much around her? Do I blame myself for unwillingly promoting "lookism'? Yes. Now my beautiful 14 year old is going through hell battling this insidious disease. I am learning to love and respect my body, even though I secretly rage against the extra flab!
(and thank you for the wonderful books Ayelet! I love your articles and this blog)
Mel

January 11, 2005 at 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I must say that I find all of this distress over weight strangely comforting. At 5'6" I weigh over 200 pounds, though a nice, curvy 200, not a puffy, sloppy 200. And do you know what? I like my body - quite a bit. This is a fact that I find remarkable when I consider that this hasn't always been so, that I flirted with an eating disorder at 14 and again at 24. Now I'm 34 and I'm viewing my body in a new light. My body is the vessel that carries me through life. It is my best tool, both for life's tasks and for self-expression. It's unique because I'm unique. I wouldn't want it any other way.

That being said, I am currently trying to shed some pounds. I realize that though my fat is beautifully soft and fun, it is also a bit hard on my heart. Since my father is diabetic it poses another risk as well. So I'm gradually increasing my activity and fresh produce intake, while nearly eliminating saturated fat, refined sugar and other processed foods. It's remarkable how delicious healthy foods are, and how satisfying.

Anyway, I though I'd "weigh in" on the issue from the other side. Being what we are is only a problem if we buy into what others think we should be. "Should" is a very dangerous word indeed.

May 12, 2005 at 3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a 21 year old woman, I don't know if my perspective will be overlooked or scoffed at, but I must admit I am disappointed in all of these responses.

No wonder our daughters are so confused about their bodies. No wonder our daughters can not look in the mirror for one minute without any sense of self-doubt. I have a mother who is very similiar to all of you. I suffered from an eating disorder in college and I struggle with it every single day of my life. Please, for the sake of your daughters STOP IT! STOP COMPARING YOUR WEIGHTS! STOP LETTING THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE BE DICTATED TO YOU BY A STUPID LITTLE NUMBER ON A SCALE.

Easier said than done, I know. The insecurity of a woman is a dangerous thing.

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