1/28/2005

Dr. Von Ferber Can Kiss My Ass

I am the quintessential sleep Nazi. All my children have been Ferberized in one way or another, usually with the minimum of crying. In fact, I was one of those loathsome women who very sanctimoniously shook her head at you and said, "Really, it never takes more than ten to twenty minutes. And it's much, much better for the baby." And then I met Abraham Chabon, aka, Vomit-Kid. Tonight his father decided that enough was enough, the little rotter was going to go to sleep at a decent hour. This is a house where the children are normally all in their beds by 7:30, 8 at the latest. That’s the only way it works with four kids. And this little bugger had no nap today. NO NAP. He's not even two.

It's now 9:45 at night. By my last count Abe has vomited 6 times. That is, he has cried hysterically, until he’s made himself throw up, six times. He's made a slow circuit around his crib, vomiting as he goes. For the first two hours he wailed, "Daddy, Daddy, no, no." Then he cried, "Mommy." Twice. And that’s all she wrote. One second of Mommy and I sent Michael in with a bottle. I couldn't hack it because I’m a big wus.

I don't know what's wrong with me nowadays. Back in the day, I probably would have let Sophie sleep in a pool of her own dried vomit. I think I'm just worn out, ground down. They've emerged victorious, those children of mine. I'm raising the white flag. I quit. Abe can just sleep with us in our bed. Presumably he'll move out at some point, right? Like in high school, when he wants to start getting laid? He's not going to be bringing chicks home to his mom and dad's bed.

I think that might be too gross to be funny.

Cut me some slack. I have a smear of white vomit on my black T-shirt, and I spent the last two hours hysterically cleaning out my medicine cabinet in order to drown out the wailing. Who knew I had so much Vicodin?

546 Comments:

Blogger Katie said...

Vomit on the shirt? That's it - you've earned your good mother dues. Time to oficially change the title.

January 28, 2005 at 10:21 PM  
Blogger 21st Century Mom said...

I missed Ferberization - never heard of it until you brought it up. I did have 1 kid who screamed for 3 hours the first night we decided she needed to quit yanking our chain at bedtime. She was sleeping in our room so it wasn't an issue of insecurity.

The next night she cried for 20 minutes.

After that she started putting herself to bed.

I hope your kid self-Ferberizes soon.

January 28, 2005 at 11:04 PM  
Blogger MB said...

We never Ferberized: We're quintessential Sears parents. But I've thought about it many-a-time, particularly with Jonah, an insomniac from age 2.

We have two children (6 & 8) who happily put themselves to bed at 8 pm, and two (2.5 & 5) who fall on the couch sometime between 8 and 10. But then we're still co-sleeping with those two, and in separate rooms. Sigh. I figure sometime in the next decade we'll have four children in their own beds, and we, alone, in our's.

January 29, 2005 at 5:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, Ferber and Sears! That's a blast from my past.

And I can say that my son, 11 years old last week, no longer goes to sleep with his dad (I'd walk him to his bed when I came to sleep). What did it take? He likes his new waterbed better. We actually missed him this week!

timna
http://www.gal.typepad.com/

January 29, 2005 at 6:29 AM  
Blogger lisoosh said...

I never Ferberized either. I am another Sears mother and still sleep with my 3 year old and 10 month old. In my defense the 3 year old is ready to move out but I desisted to avoid sibling rivalry, I'll move them both out together when I wean the baby. They do go to bed pretty well though and are usually both out by 8:30.
Supernanny has some system akin to Ferberization which involves sitting right by the bed but giving no eye contact. Might be worth a try.

January 29, 2005 at 6:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We never officially Ferberized, but I think we sort of half-heartedly tried a few times. We just accepted the fact that we make rotten, horrible infants -- but they all turned out to be easy kids, so I guess we just paid up front. Good luck. Oh, and I assume you've been vomited on in your own bed while you were sleeping? So, so very NOT what I had in mind when I decided to raise a family. Sigh.
Karen
http://verbatim.blogs.com

January 29, 2005 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

Abie's vomiting is scary. Can't he choke? When I was his age, I used to hold my breath until I passed out when I didn't get my way. First time I did it, my parents thought I was dead. They took me to neurologists who found no problem and directed my parents to put me under a cold shower when I did it again, which they did. I don't think I held my breath for much longer...

January 29, 2005 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger Ericka said...

"I think that might be too gross to be funny."

Nah, it's funny.

I wasn't "Sears" on purpose, but we did co-sleep from necessity. We let Annie cry for an hour once before I, weeping piteously, gave in. And yes, she was in the bed with us forever. By the time she was three, she was going to sleep in her own room (we lay with her until she dropped off). But she was such a skinny little thing that she couldn't maintain her body heat and, until she was seven would come into bed with us in the middle of the night. She's 12 now, and a champion sleeper. As for me, a decade later, I still wake up on her old nursing schedule.

January 29, 2005 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger Psycho Kitty said...

Oh, man. I feel bad for Michael and you...I'd feel bad for Abe, too, but he seems to be holding his own!

Parents get so worked up about doing the "right" thing--and I'm guilty as charged, too. But since I've had to deal with a "challenged" kid, I've found myself learning to go with the flow such much more. It's its own sort of gift, in disguise. It's just damned hard to see while you're still wearing the barf.

By the way, this is totally off-hand so take it or leave it, but my Girl had a hell of a time sleeping until I took her off dairy. She also has other allergy-type stuff going on, but doesn't show up as allergic to dairy on the skin tests. I decided to give it a go anyway, and her sleeping has improved about 75%--she's napping more and not waking up so much at night. Just a random thought from the middle of nowhere.

January 29, 2005 at 9:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's funny; you talk about being ground down so far that your resolve is weakening. I'm ground down, and my resolve is weakening, but in the opposite direction. Where you were a sleep nazi, I was a nursing nazi, and if a baby cried, by golly, that baby needed a boob in his mouth.

On my third, who is 16 months now, I have decided that I CANNOT co-sleep anymore; I cannot nurse for 8 hours straight overnight just so he won't cry. Ferberization, here I come.

He cries all the time anyway. :)

madeline.typepad.com

January 29, 2005 at 9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, the din of the vicodin
Never so loud as the whisper
Of the child who loves you

Oh, the sin of the vicodin
What solace doth sweeten victory
Over the dissaray of a needy heart

Oh, the fin of the vicodin
In sharks teeth of biting sarcasm
And twirling delusions of quietude

Oh, the bin of the vicodin
Runneth over and swallowed asunder
On a forlorn voyage to momentary bliss

January 29, 2005 at 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just found your blog via Metafilter. I too am a mother of four. I was the most prideful mother with my first three and thought everyone else was doing it wrong. I considered writing a book on parenting until my last was born. He NEVER slept. The child napped maybe once every two weeks at a month old. This was when I had a toddler, a very sick 3 year old and a kindergartener. I thought I would lose my mind. I always say God gave me Sam to humble me and keep me from judging other parents. Now I just look at tired moms and pat them on the back and tell them they will sleep again, I promise, and your body somehow miraculously adjusts to no sleep.
BTW, They are all now ages 9,11,13,14. The "bad" baby is now my easiest and my precious infant now wears me out!
Wonder who'll be making me tired in 10 years.

January 29, 2005 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger Jen - Lance's Wife said...

LOL! It's nice to finally meet another Mom who has a child that can puke on command when being put down for the night. My oldest son, Liam, is now 9 and our youngest son, Willem, 17 months were/are pukers. The other night Will puked 3 times in a row. We had gotten to the point that we were just letting him fall asleep out in the living room with us, because who wants to clean puke up on a nightly basis? I finally had enough the other night, though, when he went the whole day without a nap and was still wide awake at 12pm. The next night we tried the Super Nanny version of the Ferberizing method. It worked. While he cried (for 40 minutes), he didn't get so up set that he puked. It might work for you - I just had to find my "happy place" while I sat in the dark listening to him scream.

OH! It's also nice to find your blog -I also have 4 kids and it's nice to read some very familiar stories! :0)
Jen

January 30, 2005 at 2:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if you will read this since it is so far down but here it is anyway. We don't Ferber, Sears, Jones, Smith, or any of that non-sense. We do the Reason (our last name) method. It works for us. I refuse to EVER let my child get so upset over something I can change that he pukes or poops in his pants. If I am no where around and no nothing of it, I can't help and he may darn well have to puke and poop but if I am in the next room, so be it, I shall help the little tyke. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "He's not going to be bringing chicks home to his mom and dad's bed."

I am so a part of sleep deprivation right now that sleep deprivatino is WHO I am.

I have a blog at www.walkertown.sqaurespace.com if you ever feel like swimming over.

Jerri Ann

January 31, 2005 at 9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, Vicodin. The undersung benefit of being a serial c-sectioner.

Cathy

February 1, 2005 at 7:55 PM  
Blogger Simone said...

Dear Friend: I am a Brazilian mother of an only child. Only children are hard to put up with and we´re hard to put up with for them too! Mine is 22 and she still compains. Guilt number 1. All the others follow. You talked about babies, I´m talking of a grown up who was a lovely toddler and a horrible adolescent. Would love to keep in touch.

February 2, 2005 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger blackbird said...

Thank god I read this. You and I are the last two people on earth whose children sleep in their own beds, at a decent hour, vomit or no. That is why I love Super Nanny. I love to see everyone in America get their comeuppance.
No comeuppance for you....just vomit.

February 4, 2005 at 3:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me? Those adorable sweet babies do not ask to be brought into this world. You are their only comfort. You have no compassion and should not have children in your care. The two people who are there to care for them treat them like garbage and ignore their cries. My heartbreaks for your children

April 21, 2005 at 7:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Anonymous said...
Are you kidding me? Those adorable sweet babies do not ask to be brought into this world. You are their only comfort. You have no compassion and should not have children in your care. The two people who are there to care for them treat them like garbage and ignore their cries. My heartbreaks for your children"

I have no better words of my own to discribe the horror I feel about you behavior toward your children.

April 22, 2005 at 1:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a sick bitch you are. Why in the hell did you even breed?

April 23, 2005 at 6:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sadly its people like you that are allowed to procreate. admitting that you would let your child fall asleep in their dried vomit????? would you sleep in yours? perhaps you should so you would know what it feels like. maybe when your in the nursing home and your children don't visit because you don't love them, the staff will decide to ferberize you and let you cry it out about whatever is bothering you. its ashame you were allowed to have children

April 24, 2005 at 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My goodness, how you all got off on that tangent I will never know. BUT, my guess is that anonymous 1 has either no children, or has never read a book.

At any rate, i thoroughly enjoyed all of the comments. The "laid" thing was funny. And the vomit thing, as you know by now I'm sure, will not hurt him...it's a miraculous (and quite effective) manipulation tactic.

Also, like many others, it was soooo nice to read of similar situations! Thanks for the support during my own Ferberization session!

April 28, 2005 at 6:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my goodness.. you let your poor innocent baby vomit 6 times? I hope your children get taken away by CPS. You are a selfish human being and you don't deserve to be a mother. May your children forgive you for being so neglecting.

April 29, 2005 at 10:06 AM  
Anonymous me said...

You let your son cry until he vomited six freaking times and you act like you've done something wonderful? Maybe one day your children will stick you in a cheap nursing home where your caretakes let you shit all over yourself and sit in it because you are old enough to know better.

April 30, 2005 at 12:01 PM  
Anonymous Amber said...

"At any rate, i thoroughly enjoyed all of the comments. The "laid" thing was funny. And the vomit thing, as you know by now I'm sure, will not hurt him...it's a miraculous (and quite effective) manipulation tactic."

How horrible to be the sort of mother who chooses to believe that a child's natural reaction to abandonment and being forced to cry for so long is "manipulative." Even more horrible to be the child of that mother.

I'm a mother. I've read plenty of books, and continue to do so. I have not and will never let any child of mine go without their needs attended to. It's my job to take care of them, even if it's occasionally inconvenient.

It's indicative of our sick society that we put ourselves and our husbands ahead of our children - or that we even think that we have to choose one to the detriment of the other.

April 30, 2005 at 12:03 PM  
Anonymous anony2 said...

Quote: My goodness, how you all got off on that tangent I will never know. BUT, my guess is that anonymous 1 has either no children, or has never read a book.

At any rate, i thoroughly enjoyed all of the comments. The "laid" thing was funny. And the vomit thing, as you know by now I'm sure, will not hurt him...it's a miraculous (and quite effective) manipulation tactic.

Although your comment was not directed towards me, I have three children ranging from 11 to 2. I cosleep and I nursed, which were personal choices. Not every family is a cosleeping family, but NO family should ever allow a child to cry until they vomit,

Please direct me to the piece of crap book that explains how vomiting is a manipulation technique. That child cried so much he made himself sick. It is entirely possible as I have seen grown people do it. Or is it possible that my nearly 40 year old aunt cried until she vomited when her mother died because she was manipulating everyone??

April 30, 2005 at 12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you looking for a guest spot on Dr. Phil now? You have seriously gone downhill.
Any chance of getting republished after these little revelations are probably gone.
You have entered the trash-zone.
Wah wah wah.....I'm so tired...so what? Stop blogging your life away, get off your lazy butt and work off that baby fat.
It's not about where the baby sleeps, or how long it takes them to start going to sleep.You take care of them when they are sick, assbag. Not convenient for you? I'm sure there is another RELATIVE who can step in who can do a better job.

April 30, 2005 at 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what the hell's the matter with you? letting your baby cry until they vomit?

good lord, that's abusive.

April 30, 2005 at 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you joking? Like you think this is funny, or makes you witty or cool?

I feel so sorry for your sweet child, sobbing and vomiting for parents who are unable to respond to his desperate pleas for help.

Someone needs to send this to CPS so that you can get some education about being a mommy before your sweet children are ruined. A kid who vomits six times is ill with grief or a virus or a bacteria or something else. Please open your heart and get some help for yourself.

May 1, 2005 at 6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where have you gone, ayelet? still sitting on your ass instead of caring for your children? do our world a favor, stop writing books and give your children up for adoption to a family worthy of them-

June 19, 2005 at 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope this is all a joke. Otherwise, you are the most pathetic, horrible, evil bitch that ever lived.

July 1, 2005 at 8:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I sincerly hope this post is a joke. If not you are the worst mother I've ever heard of in my life. I really hope someone who has the parenting sense God gave a rock reports you to CPS. Letting a child under 2 sleep in his own vomit. You ought to be ashmed of yourself. Please, put your dear sweet children up for adoption so that some family that wants them can give them the love they deserve.

July 1, 2005 at 8:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're certainly a "bad mother." I'm sickened by the way you're choosing to parent your children. I hope that someone or something can soften your heart before you lose it altogether.

July 2, 2005 at 2:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are proof that there is no God. A God worthy of his/her name would have made a selfish, cold-hearted person like you sterile.
I hope little Abraham will ignore your cries when you're old and bedridden and are vomiting and crapping on yourself 'to get attention'.

July 2, 2005 at 3:14 AM  
Anonymous Sickened said...

Sick. You need help. Your kids deserve better.

How can it ever be acceptable to allow your child (or anyone that is helpless) to sleep in vomit? Are you really that lost and lacking in moral clarity? Do you not realize it's your job as a parent to keep your child safe and clean and not emotionally devastated? Unbelievable.

This crosses the line in such an extreme way that I am almost certain you need medication or something. It's so far from normal it's not even funny.

Even Ezzo himself would probably think you are a nutter. And that's saying alot.

July 2, 2005 at 3:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a SHOCKING description of how you treat your child.

If you cannot handle taking care of a child, why on God's earth did you have four of them? And you seem so smug about your callousness.

You are failing to recognize the essential humanity and light in your littlest one.

I feel intense pity for him. I am trying to feel pity for you, too. I assure you, it takes a conscious effort and it doesn't seem to be working.

There is no such thing as vomiting on command -- unless, of course, one is so terrified and upset by another person that the appearance of that person or the appearance of certain behaviour by that person calls up the retch-reflex. I certainly have suffered from that with my mother and it sounds like your youngest son might some day with you.

I am not a blogger and so I don't have user name, but, if you wish to tell me I am wrong (and allow me to tell you how selfish, evil, and unpleasant you are) to my face, you can get in touch with me through the NY 15th Street Meeting of the Society of Friends. I am on the Library Committee.

--Sarah Johnson

July 2, 2005 at 9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoops, I misremembered your post as I was writing. I see you only have two children, not four. Very sorry for the error -- I was rather overwhelmed by your callousness.

July 2, 2005 at 9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow… After reading this disgusting post *I* will be the one sleeping in my own vomit tonight. You make me (And your baby too, apparently) sick.

:(

July 2, 2005 at 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You suck.

July 2, 2005 at 10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I am totally speechless... The idea of a BABY being manipulative is just beyond me!! I have three kids aged 5, 19 months and two months - trust me I KNOW sleep deprivation!! I co-sleep with my two youngest and Im nursing. I understand how hard and frustrating it can be, but I would NEVER EVER allow my baby to cry until she puked! I agree with the other's who said that was child abuse!!

You need to take a long hard look into your baby's innocent eyes and realise YOU ARE THE ONLY SOURCE OF COMFORT HE NEEDS!! I cant believe you are practically bragging about abusing your child!!! Seriously... its beyond fucking believable!!!

July 2, 2005 at 1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you spell BITCH! I hope so because you personify it!

July 2, 2005 at 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I have never seen a more aptly named blog. Bad Mother indeed.

You have to be one of the cruelest parents I have had the disgust to read about. Why would you have children if you have no respect for their feelings.

July 2, 2005 at 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you do know there are other more gentle ways to get your child to sleep? my son is 16mo and goes right down without a fuss.

I feel so sorry for your baby. that is abuse if he is vomiting 6x. you shouldn't be proud of it, that's just SICK!!!!

July 2, 2005 at 3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your poor children, and sickened myself that Salon.com would allow such a callus, cruel person to actually for-gods-sakes have a PARENTING article with them!
I will be writing to Salon.com this second.
Bad, bad mother, indeed.

July 2, 2005 at 3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read some of your other pieces, including the one about how you'd rather lose your children than lose your husband. Even knowing what a questionable parent you are - and if half of what you've published is true, I hope you're socking away money for the therapy your kids are going to need - this turns my stomach in a way I didn't expect.

You abandoned your child, and when he called for you in the only way he can, by crying, you neglected him until he vomited from crying - not once, but six times! You and your husband broke the most fundamental trust in the world - your child had no reason up until now to think that you would abandon him. When he stopped crying, it was because he'd given up, because he had learned that the people who brought him into the world could hear his most desperate cries and ignore him. Congratulations - you broke his spirit! You must be so proud!

Parenting is not an 8 to 5 job, or even an 8 to 8 job. It is a 24/7 job. And it's not like Abe is your first child, where you might have the excuse that you didn't know what you were getting into (it'd be a pathetic excuse, but it'd be there). After the first, I wish you'd figured out what selfish people you are and stopped breeding. Your poor children! When I cuddle my toddler to sleep tonight, I'll be thinking of the babies who are forced to sleep in pools of their own vomit because their parents can't be bothered to do the damn job they signed up for in the first place.

I know people who know you in real life, and they've tried to defend your writing and the way you and Michael parent. Until now, I've given them - and you - the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore. You're cruel to your children and either too blind or too self-centered to see it. Otherwise, how on earth could you put what you do to them in writing and allow it to be published?

July 2, 2005 at 7:20 PM  
Anonymous avantika said...

Some very ghastly people have commented on your blog entry. Btw, 'anonymous' is getting to be a real common name, isn't naming your child that akin to child abuse? :P
By the way you uglies should have ascertained if the kid was vomiting because it was ignored or because it was sent to bed - with a parent in the room.
And whether you agree with her or not, your taking out time for such nameless nastiness is despicable - if you were truly concerned why didn't you email her directly and ASK? No, you were just really creepy people looking for a kick by being mean to someone. For shame.

July 4, 2005 at 2:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to applaud you for "raising the white flag" and doing the right thing for your child. He'll move into his own bed when he's ready- which is likely to be long before he's trying to get laid!!!

July 4, 2005 at 11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why did I have to come upon this despicable article?
My stomach is in knots and I feel a despair I can't name.
The others have put into words how I feel and I'm glad because my heart is aching so bad for your children right now that I can't think straight.
I am going to sleep now with my 14 month old in the crook of my arm and my breast at the ready.
I can't believe there are people like you in this world.
Give up your children you horrible horrible woman.

July 25, 2005 at 12:47 AM  
Anonymous Teresa said...

The people who support this discusting excuse for a mother should have their homes checked by CPS as well. I am also hoping that someone who knows you calls CPS and they take your children from you forever, now THAT I would support! You are a horrid, horrid fucked up sick, person. Your poor children.

BTW, still waiting for the title of the book, and the IN DEPTH study done to prove infants vomit to be manipulative. Fucking uneducated twits!

August 18, 2005 at 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here, let me chime in.

Intolerant rant. Shallow platitude. Poorly spelled, sanctimonious, vacuous judgement. "You don't do it my way so you're evil."

There. Now I'm like everybody else.

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